Getting Back Together

[bigdog]

Hi everyone,

I had been dating my girlfriend for 3.5 years. I was controlling and jealous and in the last 3 months we fought alot. I really just think alot of that was my trying to find excuses not to make a serious commitment to her. I loved her very much, however I wasn't good to her in the end and so she left me.

We recently have been hanging out, and this past month we are an exclusive couple again. I have figured out how I will change my past behaviour and even sought some counselling for it. She says I love you to me and I say it to her as well. However, she seems to be acting strange and since I did such a poor job of defining our boundaries before (I became controlling because too many things made me uncomfortable that she did), I was hoping I could get some help on this site.

Since we got back together, she wants to keep us a secret. During the break up she told her family and friends all the negatives and she wants to slowly ease into things with me so that they don't think she is rushing it. She goes out and parties all the time, has a ton of friends I know nothing about, says she will call me then doesn't and is partying with different guys all the time. She also flirts all the time and doesn't try and hide it from me. She says she wants to hang out with all kinds of different guys and that she is aloud to flirt but not touch. This hurts me, and makes me feel uneasy. Is this just my old controlling nature or is this something I should be concerned about? As well, it makes me uneasy she won't tell anyone we are dating and wont refer to me as her boyfriend. She said she hated so many aspects of the previous relationship that she isn't ready for something serious. At the same time she says she loves me, hopes we end up together and says we are exclusive and not hooking up with other people. She is 23 and I am 25 if that factors in. She always wanted to settle down and I was running, now that I am ready she seems to be in party mode. How do I get things back to normal?

Thank you very much.

[aussiecoffee007]

maybe she is trying to test you to see if you really mean that you wotn be as controlling or jealous... but on the other hand, she might be flirting with these guys and such just waiting for you to get controlling again so that she will be reminded of why you two broke up in the first place--maybe she is having doubts about getting back together with you and now is trying to convince herself, subconsciously, not to be with you.
maybe she just wants to take it slow until she really knows, with the test of time, if you have changed. but do you really want to spend your whole relationship proving to her that you have?

[Pink]

maybe she just wants to take it slow until she really knows, with the test of time, if you have changed.

That's what I'm thinking as well. She might be afraid that you're going to go back to your old ways, ya know? I don't think it's right that she's keeping this a secret. If you are exclusive there's no need to hide it. Everyone will find out in time anyway so why bother? I think you both should be allowed to go out with friends and have a good time, but there is a line you don't cross. Like the whole flirting with other guys thing. I don't think I'd be okay with that.

In the end, you need to sit down with her and express your feelings. Assure her that you're going to change, but she has to be willing to contribute also.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF bigdog, I'm glad that you joined us here. :hello:

I agree with Pink, if you 2 are exclusive, she says she wants to be with you alone, then the flirting with other men is not a good thing at all. Where does she draw the line when the flirting gets to be too much?

In a way I can see why she wants to keep you 2 trying again a secret from family members. She probably wants to make sure that things will work out before she tells the family members. She may have taken alot of flack from them when you 2 were together before & you were so controlling of her. She may not want to hear it from them at the moment if she lets them know your trying again. I don't agree with keeping your relationship a secret from everyone though as again, where does she draw the line when she's partying with friends that don't know she's back with you?

I would have a talk with her about how your feeling & maybe talk to her why she wants to be so much in the party mode & why she feels the need to flirt with other guys even though you 2 are "exclusive".