Is it wrong to get jealous?

[lostmind]

I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf, I met him in feb when I was working inter-state, it's like a love at first sight thing, and things got very serious, we try to see each other at least once a month, i know it's not a lot, but that's the best we can manage.
He's from france, and only here for 1 year on a working holiday visa, he will be leaving in November this year, and he will stay there for 4 months before coming back and we have plan to live together when he come back.
Now, he met a girl in Jan, just one month before meeting me (she is also french, was here for holiday) and he told me he find her very attractive and cute, at the begning of our relationship while he was telling me about her, now this girl is coming back here for 1 year, and they seem to spend quite a lot of time talking, I know he tell her a lot about me, about our relationship. He said he's going to help her settle in when she come, which is next week. I just don't feel very comfortable about him spending time with her, cos i know he find her attractive, we already had lots of fights because of this, he doesn't think there is anything wrong, he said it's only friendship, but I can't help but feel really jealous. now she won't have an apartment as soon as she arrives, she has a couple of other friends here, but one of them will be oversea when she arrive, and the other one live with his gf, so now it's down to my bf, he said he told her that wouldn't be a good idea for her to stay at his place cos Im jealous!! we had another fight about this, i can't understand why he told her Im jealous, i told him how I feel, and he said it's nothing wrong to be jealous, why can't he tell her? i just can't seem to understand him at all. so now he said he will meet up with her and help her look for apartment, settle in etc.
Am I wrong to get jealous? Am I being unreasonable? I really need some opinion on this. Your advice is very much appreciated. thanks guys.

[aussiecoffee007]

oh i dont think its cool that he presented you in that way, because then it sounds like he wanted her to stay with him but he blamed the fact that she couldnt on YOU, but didnt responsibility for his duty as a boyfriend, you know? he pushed it onto you so she wouldnt think he didnt want her there. that is not a good sign to me :(

i get the friendship thing, but after knowing how uncomfortable it makes you feel plus the fact that he has admitted to finding her attractive, and you fight about her all the time, i would really start to question whether or not it could work out between you two in the long run. long distance relationships demand trust, adn i wouldnt trust this guy either too much... i mean, he has to give a little for the sake of your relationship adn he seems unwilling to do that. i would just wonder whether his frienship with her is really worth all the pain and doubt that you are going through and whether a relationship between you two is the best thing for you right now.

[lostmind]

thanks for your reply.
the most annoying part is he doesn't think it's big deal that he told her Im jealous, he said all he said to her is that im a jealous person, and he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, so rather if she doesn't stay at his place, but if she end up on the street, and he will let her still for a couple of days. he said he's sorry that this upset me.

[aussiecoffee007]

well that just seems like a warning flag to me, first of all i dont really think he needs to air your dirty laundry in front of HER of all people, and its not like you are a jealous person i think it is quite reasonable to be jealous, a least a little bit, in a situation like this. i just think its weird that he told her that cuz again it sort of takes the blame off of him and puts it onto you, which isnt how it should really work, you know?

if the guy takes her off the streets, i mean, im sorry but i guess thats circumstances beyond your control so maybe you could either stay with them or just deal with it for a few days, because that i would understnad, helping out a friend in need... but i dont know why he keeps like hanging out all the time and stuff with her when he knows it makes you uncomfortable :(

he has to show he is listening to your fears and concerns and feelings, you know?

[lostmind]

it's really annoying, i keep trying to explain why I got upset that he told her, he just still think it's a big deal. I think what you said it's great, i might try to explain to him like this, see if i can finally make him understand.
He asked me last night when we were fighting, if i don't want him to be friends with her, i really feel like saying yes. but i didn't, cos it's a bit selfish. Im going to see him this weekend, hopefully face to face chat would be better. Im really worried, she's arriving next weekend.
Thank you so much for your reply.

[lostmind]

he still doesn't understad!!! he said it's true that she can't stay because I'm not going to like it. He still doesn't understand she doesn't need to know that. arrrrrrrr so annoying...

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF lostmind, glad that you joined us here. :)

I think there is more to this than what your boyfriend is letting on to you. He tells you that she's attractive, now he wants to help her find an aparment. I can understand helping out a friend, but he's putting all the blame on you for the reason why she can't stay with him. IMO...he wants to make you the bad guy in all of this, when common sense & if the guy really cared/loved you would dictate that HE would know right off that she can't stay with him at all.

This thing too about if she can't find a place right away, that she may have to stay with him a day or 2, is too convienent as well. It seems to me that he could very well be telling you soon after she arrives there that she will have to stay there with him a couple days because she can't find a place.

You may have to ask yourself here lostmind if he is worth the heartache & arguments. He's not understanding or respecting what you have been telling him, right there is a red flag.

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah i think hes just trying to make you into the bad guy, adn i bet he doesnt understand that because to him, that IS the reason, but whether or not that is the real reason istn the point. the reaosn SHOULD be that HE doesnt want her staying there out of respect for you and your relationship, and things like your feelings and fears should be kept private in a relationship, not told to the person that they are concerning!!

just a lot of bad feelings i get with this guy...

[lostmind]

yeah i think hes just trying to make you into the bad guy, adn i bet he doesnt understand that because to him, that IS the reason, but whether or not that is the real reason istn the point. the reaosn SHOULD be that HE doesnt want her staying there out of respect for you and your relationship, and things like your feelings and fears should be kept private in a relationship, not told to the person that they are concerning!!

just a lot of bad feelings i get with this guy...




We've already book the flight ticket few weeks ago, now I'm going to see him tomorrow. I'm hoping face to face chat would be better. wish me luck guys. somehow i don't have very good feelings about this.

[Tony]

the problem I am having with this is he is telling another girl what is going on with your bf and you. :nono:
that is one thing in a relationship you do not do. :nono:
its stays between you and him. :)

I think a face to face with him is a good idea and don't listen to excuses for this is all about the two of you no one else. :thumb:

so good luck with the face to face and please keep us posted :)

[lostmind]

I don't mind him talking to a close friend about our relationship, i mean everyone need to get some advice from others, and that's why Im talking to you guys here, but telling the person that im concerning, that's just totally wrong. This is the first time I'm not excited about seeing him. :(

[Tony]

your right with a guy or gal asking a close friend or talking to a close friend about some things in a relationship but then there is what he is doing with this other girl
he can have her as a friend but he has admitted to you that he finds her attractive

I can understand why you are not excited about seeing him but this really needs to be worked out before you both can move on with your relationship

what you really need from him is to show you that you can Trust him 100%
I wonder if he can give you that guarantee ?

[aussiecoffee007]

thats what i was saying above, where if you are going to share how you feel and he goes and TELLS the person its about? not cool. its one thing to try to get advice and leadership, but quite another to go telling the person its related to all about what their GIRLFRIEND, relationship, partner, love said about them. and its also not cool to share fears WITH the person because then it puts her in the power position and her in control because she knows how you feel about her. thats just not putting you in a good place, and you should be above her, you know what i mean?

i hope talking goes well, but were here for you in either situation :)

[lostmind]

Thanks aussiecoffee, you advice has been very valueable to me.
I'm going there from friday to tuesday, I will keep you posted. hopefully by telling him exactly how I feel about this is going to work.

[**Sapphire**]

Best of luck to you lostmind! We are here for you no matter what outcome.

Please come on back when you can & update us, we will be waiting to see how things went. :)

[~Teej~]

Yes please...we need updates :)

[lostmind]

Hi Guys, im back from my little trip.
things went good, face to face chat def. make things better. He said he's very sorry, and that he understand why I got so upset. so for now things are great, but shes arriving in a few days, still a bit worried. :(

[aussiecoffee007]

well good im glad at least you had this chat and that you are both on the same page and that you are feeling better about your situation... i understnad you are worried... is she going to stay with him or not?

tell us when she leaves for sure :P but hopefully the way he acts when she is here will tell you all you need to know about what kind of guy he is and his true feelings for you.

[**Sapphire**]

Thank you for the update lostmind. :)

I'm too am glad that your visit went well & now he totally understands why you were upset.

Yeah, is she going to stay with him? Did she find an apartment yet?

[lostmind]

She booked a backpacker place, but i don't know how long for, so all I know is that she won't be staying when she arrive this sunday. but if she can't find a place during the time while she stay in the backpaker, who knows.
he tole me that she just sent him an message to him, asking if we are ok now. and he told her that we are good, and asked for the flight reference!! how about that. and I asked him if he's planning to pick her up from the airport, and he told me that if he doesn't have to work, then maybe he will. I've been there to see him that many times, he's only even pick me up once! Ok, other time he was just finishing work or at work when I arrive. But i can't help myself but feeling jealous that he even plan to pick her up! am I over reacting now??

[aussiecoffee007]

well i hope she stays away :) im sure she wont stay with him after he knows how you feel about it. well she might need someone to pick her up just because who else does she have? maybe he feels obligated with her since she doesnt really know anyone and not with you because he thinks you have other people to pick you up. have you ever asked him to?

[lostmind]

he only told me this when I asked him, if i don't ask, he's probably going to tell me the day before he pick her up. she does has other friends there, I don't know anyone there except him. I feel like they have planned things that i don't even know, and he has no intention to tell me unless i ask. and when i do ask, he said i don't trust him.

[stoner]

I may be late with my response, but here's my .02 cents worth.

There's nothing wrong about feeling jealous. It can be viewed as a good thing actually. However - like certain prescription medication and alcoholic beverages - once there's too much of it, then it's not such a good thing any longer.

In your case, you do have the right to confront your bf about his true intentions. If he really has a hidden agenda that goes along with his downplaying of the situation, then I don't blame you for your feeling suspicious. Other than that, I don't have anything else to say except give him the shadow of a doubt, until he's caught in the act with his own antics - whatever that might be.

We're only human to feel jealous, and I am no exception. In my personal experience, it's that same feeling of jealousy that lead to the most painful heartbreak that I ever went through. If he keep saying to you that "you don't trust him" (as per your post) with your inquiries, then find out what he really has in mind. If your fears are what they happened to be, then you have every right to confront him - even kick his a** if necessary! :rofl:

Good luck.

[aussiecoffee007]

oh well then i dont know what his problem is, really, why he would pick her up. have you ever asked him? myabe she asked him and its not like he can really say, no i cant pick you up cant you get someone else to do it? cuz that would be rude from a purely friendly standpoint. but i dont think its a huge deal, dont worry about it too much, the importnat things are how he acts with her here and where/the circumstances she stays.