is there a 2nd hope?

[potatoes]

hi,
I need advice. I screwed up and prolly i deserved it. I met Jason when I was with my bf 1 yr ago from work. At first, it was just gathering and we were fond of each other. We didn't ge to be an exclusive/official couple because our companies have conflicting business interests and we couldn't be together. But altho we were "no strings attached" kind of understanding, we did any other thing any other couple does.

Jason kinda knew that there was another guy & he did asked several times but I denied it because I was afraid and I wasn't sure. So finally...on that Sunday (1wk+ ago), Jason confronted me and told me he saw me with some other guy(my bf) and i denied it and walked off. I sat down at home to think & I called him back to be honest - but he didn't want to hear anymore. And now, I lost the one I really cared about. I screwed up big time and Jason will never give me one last second chance. I'm not perfect, but I try to be... but now that's never going to be good enough.

I'm writing because I realise that Jason is the one I truly love and it was very selfish and very stupid of me not to realise that earlier. Now he's angry and doesn't want to see me anymore. He asked for his items back & for me to put it in his mailbox instead (he lives in an apartment).Initially, I asked if he could give me 30minutes to explain and all and he agreed! but he messaged me to tell me that he doesn't want to anymore.

what can i do? :( i'm so so so sorry....I really want to be with Jason and noone else...

[Tuxgal]

Well, first off welcome to the Forum...I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. Before you do anything with Jason you gotta break it off with your bf. It's not fair to anyone to continue. After you do that then contact Jason again telling him it's really over with the other guy and apologise for lying. There's no guarentee he'll accept but it's the only way. Love means taking chances. Let us know how it goes.

[mashmac]

From what you are saying it sounds as if you and Jason didn't really have an "exclusive" relationship and he knew there was someone else so really he only got confirmation. I think you do have a second chance to be clear and honest with each other and start again. If he really cares, he will want to give it another try.

And of course you need to end your other relationship. You haven't said a lot about the state of it but it seems like it's not the one you want to stay in.

[potatoes]

hi Tuxgal&mashmac...thanks for your advices. last nite, i wrote a letter and put it into his mailbox together with the keys. I sent him a text saying that the keys are in the envelope in the mailbox as he wanted and that i'm leaving - but he replied "good night.thanks"...And i did leave. I really feel sorry, really am sorry, so sorry...really so sorry for the things I did. It was difficult for me to return the keys...but what other choice do I have.and now,there is nothing else...:sadwavey:

[mashmac]

i am so sorry potatoes. you must be hurting.... badly. i don't know and i might be wrong but i wouldn't give up hope yet because it sounds like you really care deeply about him. give him a bit of time. did you write in the letter how much you cared and that you wanted to be with him? did you explain that when you first started your relationship was viewed as causal? you say he knew about the other guy. and where is this other guy now?

he must be hurting too. i am not sure how much time you should give him but perhaps in a week or so try and get in touch again and ask him out for coffee.
say you really want to see him face to face and then see what he says.
he needs the space probably to work out if he can forgive you.

if you believe deep down you love him - don't give up because you will regret it.
i hope you will get back on tracks. take care and good luck.

[Tuxie]

Hi potatoes, and welcome to ATLF. :) This is tough for not only you, but to all involved.

Could I ask you to expand on the whole 'work conflict' thing? Was this going to be a major issue in you and Jason's relationship? If there was a 'rule' about conflict of interest, would this have affected the relationship anyway?

If you really, REALLY, love Jason... and you want to try to keep him, I agree with Tuxgal and Mashmac... you'll need to step out on faith and end your other relationship, before you try to do ANYTHING with Jason. You'll have some problems to overcome and talk out with him though. His trust in you is slightly bruised... you'll hafta earn that back, and breaking it off with the other guy should be a step in the right direction. However... that being said, just because you break off the other relationship won't be any guarantee that Jason will 'see the light'. But hopefully, that would maybe open his eyes a bit.

Best of luck with the whole situation, keep us updated. Chin up! :)

[potatoes]

i'm currently still my bf...i know it won't last long but it's not that i don't care about my bf. He's a super nice guy but there are things about him that makes me worry about our future. Altho i did try to look on the positive side of making things work together as a team in future but it's about his thinking/character that doesn't and may not be positive. He treats me super -good and all but ...i just don't think i could love him the way...im supposed to

i just got an sms from Jason again today. But apparently, he wanted the book which he lend to me.i've forgotten that i had it and now, i guess the letter that i wrote along with his key the other night - didn't mean a thing. i don't know what else to say or do, i really don't want to give up after knowing he's the one i want...but it seems that, perhaps he rather move on with himself and his ego than to be with me. i know i can make it better, perhaps i'm really not good enough for a 2nd chance.

He wants me to go to his mailbox (again) to put that 1 book there. What should i do? Give him his books? Or hold on to it? he lives maybe 20mins drive from me. Should i go to his mailbox again...or make him to collect from me? If he does collect from me - should i ask if he could give me a 2nd chance or do not even bring the topic up and keep a confident face?

I've added this : - He texted me this "You just return to me next week whenever you have time & at the area. why i should collect it? the borrower should return it. you owe me this. i don't owe you anything"

[Tuxgal]

Well, if your not willing to break up with your bf yet then I think the best thing to do is drop the book in his mailbox...maybe with another apology and let him go for now. It's the only fair thing to do. See where things go with your bf when there aren't any...distractions. Then if it doesn't work out break up with him and see if Jason is at least willing to talk. Good luck

[Tuxie]

It sounds to me like someone needs to make up their mind. Don't waffle on the subject.

[mashmac]

Why are you staying with your boyfriend? Do you want to carry on being with both? That's not going to be possible.

[potatoes]

i don't plan to do what i did and i am not gonna keep both them at the same time...and i'm not ever going to do that ever ever ever again. i do want to be with Jason but two weeks passed and i don't think he will forgive me.

one part of me wants to leave my current bf but he's a very very nice/good person but i don't know if i can love him the way he should be loved. A friend of mine asked me to see with Jason gone, would i be able to appreciate/love my current bf.

right now, i will try to make it up with my current bf and if i couldn't...i will break it off too. it still hurts to receive that sort of text from Jason - prolly i deserved it. I don't know if i should return his books and all... I don't know if this is the best or the most correct way ...i'm really at a loss but I want to make the best for the situation now...or atleast make no mistakes again.

[pika]

hi potato,

i just know one thing, u got to choose...i know its tough but u realli got to choose while u can..if not this thing will end up in misery....

wat will happen after u choose will depend on ur faith and willingness to commit...

cant blame u or wat....but i think the guy is hurting a lot...

if u think its not going to work between the 2 of u..then since the guy has already made the move..and its not easy for a guy to decide on moving...then let it be ba.....

[EC]

Make your choice, don't string along anyone. If Jason still willing to take you in then you can out with your current bf whether you want to end it or not, honesty is the key.

Jason probably don't want you to do what you're doing to your so called "very nice / good person" to him, I would be afraid too if I was him.

[potatoes]

Last nite I dropped Jason's books into the mailbox – all of them and then I text him sayin that its there and i was praying that i don't bumped into him. Then he text back – happy valentines. Then I text back – u too, have a good valentine. Then he replied – I’m home. Then I stood there for abit (I was at near the pool/park area) and then text him – ohh..u must have had a long day..we’ll u should be out-valentines is once a year-something like that. Then he text back – why are u standing near the pool? Then I hought that was weird..cause I don’t think he could have seen me from his balcony/apartment. Then I text ms back – oh…I’m just taking a short walk…nuthin really, am leaving. Then I started walking and when I turned I saw him behind me. We stood there to talk and he asked me if there’s anything else…then I said, all I wanted to say was in the letter and that I’m sorry. And then he said the letter didn’t mean anything to him. In the end , we sat down at the bench to chat. We did, I explained and explained and said I was sorry and all and he said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and doesn’t want to give me a 2nd chance.

At one point, he said I should spend valentines with my bf and I said to him that me and my bf are cooling things down for the moment and im not with anyone. Then he said…come on..call him back, he needs you more, I don’t need you. And then he threaten again to call "my bf" on the phone and this time – I said ‘Yea, call him…just give him a call…what do I have to loose” then he kept quiet and didn’t make the call.

Then I kept on talking and then in the end, I decided to say goodbye and he said something things and then it ****** me off and then he decided to walk off. Then I argued and followed him to his apartment door – which was 4 floors!!!! And as I was there…he kinda pushed me away and I told him not to push me off like that. He said he doesn’t wanna talk anymore and that he needed to go to the toilet and I said… I’ll wait at the door and im not goin into the apt. And then he said no..bla bla bla. In the end, I walked and I got ****** and I yelled abit..saying… how its tearing me up in pieces and how im dying a thousand times every single moment and it is my choice to stick to this…then he kept saying, I just want to be friends and ure making it hard and if u wanna talk, I’ll call u when im done here. And then I said there’s no way we can be friends and blab la bla and then i walked off.

I got into my car to calm down for abit and then I drove home. As I was driving …he called. We talked more …but he insisted to be friends and all and I told him – I can’t. How could I … seeing him right infront of me and not being able to be with him. I can’t fake it out, I don’t have what it takes to fake it out inside of me. I told him I needed time to fix things, make it right. And I told him…I don’t want to give up …I could throw away everything even myself and now u couldn’t even give it a second try?

Anyway he kept saying he wants to be friends but I said no. We argued even more on the phone and in the end, he said he gotta do up tis presentation for morning’s meeting and he said he’ll put the phone here and I can keep on talking until the battery dies or whatever…I kept quiet and that’s when I started to cry. At the end, he said “ok ok…I’ll think about it..i’ll think about it.. see. there…I’ll think about. I don’t even wanna think abt it but now I’ll think about it. So can you please put the phone down” . But I knew he was just entertaining me when he said that… I gave up…I put the phone down.

So there... I'm on a cooling period with my bf and want to straigthen things up and make it right. And now...its obvious, Jason will never be able to give it a try. I want to the right thing but there isn't an opportunity.

[Tuxgal]

I'm sorry...it's tricky you know? In life and love you got to take chances. But to do that leaves you open and vunerable. Maybe you should look for someone else entirely. It seems like things with Jason aren't gonna work and from his actions...that may be a good thing. Take some time for yourself for a while then look for someone else. Good luck. I'm sorry things didn't work

[EC]

I don't really get it.. you said you're trying to straighten things out with your bf, a good / wonderful person, according to you.

At the same time, when you were talking to Jason, you said you want him to give it a try, and you're cooling things down with your bf.

I don't know what 'cooling things down' mean, trying to work it out with him or trying to break up with him. There are some conflicting information there and you seem to be quite uncertain, undecided in what you want to do.

I've got to give it to Jason though, that he has been doing the right things, stay true to himself and what he wants and think of the future actions and consequences that may follow.

[mashmac]

I agree with EC. Your indecision is taking too long.

And if you really love Jason, you are losing him.

[potatoes]

hi guys,
I've given alot of thought and have broken it off with my "bf". And then I went to see Jason to return his stuff and that's when he said he wouldn't want to give it a try anymore. I wasn't expecting anything in return and i wouldn't force Jason to be with me. right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to move on.
Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it...
You have a good weekend :)

[EC]

So why did you break up with your boyfriend? Just want to know from your woman's point of view.

Because as far as I know, according to what you've told us, he hasn't done anything wrong.

Edit:
OK, just trying to get the overview again.

1) You were with your bf
2) You met Jason and you both have been in some sort of romance
3) Jason saw you with your bf, you denied it
4) Your bf still knows nothing
5) Jason is the one you truly love
6) Jason doesn't to be with you anymore
7) You break up with your bf for whatever reasons
8) Jason still doesn't want you

I am guessing that you were wondering if there's someone else out there for you other than your bf. Understandably everyone have that thoughts at some points in their relationship.

I apologize if I was quick to criticize because when I think of it, when someone have that doubt whether there's someone else out there for them, a better match. Though they are still in relationships and though things are going well. There's no way to find out except looking sideway at those potential significant others.

However, you did screw up like you said, you weren't being honest in the first place both to Jason and your bf, and chose to be honest only when you got caught. I am really quite curious about what you told your bf and if there were issues between you and him.

Speaking of issues, there are always issues in every relationships, it depends how we handle them that makes the differences, even fairy tales have bumps and obstacles.

[potatoes]

mmm..i sat down with my ex-bf and told him that I may not be able to love him the way he should and there are things that I did which was completely wrong. He didn't ask what are the things I did "wrong" but I think he would know.I told him also that I feel insecure about our future and where it's goin to go.He understood and he said he doesn't even know for sure how he wants to determine his own future or his passion and that he couldn't be sure when we could finally settle down and he feels like giving up sometimes.

I guess I was looking for an alternative/better match because I wasn't sure of the future if I continued with my ex-bf. my ex-bf is sweet, caring, sensitive and compromising.he probably be one of the nicest people around...but there are things or decisions that he makes would jeopardize our future.

He's got issues with bank debts(considerable amount actually), he stopped school (he just needed another year to complete his education), he doesn't want to work much? - he took 2 days or 3days in a row from work to stay home and think/relax, he doesn't know how to plan for his future, or buying a home or even a wedding or even anything, he doesn't plan his spending and etc... to the point where i do help clear some of these debts and buying issues for him at times. i may have been very selfish - but i want a loving family, a good home, kids tat have an opportunity to finish school, a home without heavy-bank/creditcard debts.

i just want a planning, a secure understanding of how we ought to invest and how to grow our family or us to the best we can. i do not want to go to my parents for money to buy a home (or downpayment for a home), i do not want to depend on them for the things we need and etc. i don't earn much,but i try to save as much as i can for us - i want to help...i really do, but i don't know how long i should continue... maybe he may have felt that i was hindering him -i don't know...but i need to figure out myself too with all the complications gone.:(

[EC]

Totally understandable, maybe you can let us in more on the topics of what you (and maybe women in general) need from a man. We're not all perfect here, and what you say here can save a lot of us heartaches.

[mashmac]

Sounds like mature thinking. I think women who consider having a family do think about what sort of partner they want.

My relationship/marriage is everything but perfect for me as a woman but my partner is a great father. And frankly - that is the only thing that matters to me.

Sometimes I wish I could combine the two but it just wasn't meant to be so if I have to chose and I always wanted kids - I rather have a man I can rely on.

[potatoes]

mmm...i see Jason online everyday but i'm not speaking him...i feel angry in a way about myself and also at him somehow...i still miss him alot, but now that's the past...i don't know what else. i'm trying to look at other ways to better myself or something and i don't know if there will be someone in future who could or would love me and that i could truly care/love for.

Jason sent me some of the forward text the other day - the chinese new year celebration thingy.we used to forward each other these cute/wonderful greetings like christmas or valentines or halloween etc...But this time, i didn't reply or forward another to him. I don't want to be friends...I can't. If he's never going to give me another chance - best is , I move on and when I could finally move on...then maybe we could be normal again...or friends. It sounds real childish...but I need this break to move on.

just wanna add...today jason msn me...he said hi and all and then he said he'd be doing tis and that stuff over the weekend and all.some of the things he said may have sounded like a joke or something funny but it wasn't funny to me. i felt that it was a very mean and crude comment especially during these times. he asked me to talk to him cause he's bored and he's at work to do some paperwork - and i told him to please find somoene else to cheer him up. And then he said he wants to be friends. but i told him that's not gonna happen.

one minute, jason wanted me to be honest about my ex-bf so that he would let me make up my mind and decide. And then when i told him the honest truth, he said he doesn't trust me & just wants to be friends. and then one point, he said he doesn't mind pursuing someone he truly loves even if she has a bf but now, he says he doesn't remember saying that and he feels totally gross about it.

the only reason i can think why jason wants to be friends...is because he knows i could help him out in his businesses like giving him pointers or ideas and maybe he needed someone he can call up to chat when he's bored.

Am I doing the right thing by cutting him off completely?should i keep waiting? Is there a better way that I could be?I don't know...

I want someone I can depend on at times, someone caring as well...so that I could give the same to him. I don't want to be anyone's burden...