Bring Back the Romance

[busymaninIndy]

This is part of human nature and is not limited to men, women also masturbate, often for reasons different from males, but they do it nonetheless. Just acceot it as a part of life and move along, it is no big deal, unless it cames to a point where someone in a relationship would rather masturbate than have relations with one another, then it is a problem, until than it is natural and healthy.
If only it was so easy, and I'm a man on the receiving end of this.

The real problem that my wife is having is that I am not providing her enough romance. This re-emerged its ugly head again and now I feel like telling her that "No, I do not masturbate", which, considering I'm a man, cannot even be considered to be anywhere truthful, no matter how much you trust the person. Unless you just like to hear the words for comfort.

Anyways. With BOTH of us working full-time and going to school and raising 3 active kids I'm struggling to provide her any romance. Did I mention I also handle all our bills, so you know what I'm thinking most of the time during the day anyways. Who has time to dream anymore?

So, there is no sex, we are both frustrated. Especially since I either have to lie to her or entirely cut out masturbation, which I guess I could do at least short term (but like smoking cigarettes the lack of incentives when you quit doesn't do much to quit the cravings). I simply don't want to do the former. I do not want to lie to my wife. The second is something I'm not sure I can control over the long term. For 20 years I've done it. Try asking someone who has smoked for 20 years to quit. Not that easy. (btw, I just remembered that YOU would not even advocate this..so it's not directed at you.)

I need some serious relationship advice to get romance back into our lives here. I think that is the only way I can get her to be on the mood more often, because that by itself would definitely control my own urges, because she still has "typical" self-esteem problems that bring up the problem.

So, please let me know if you have any advice. I think this is main thing to remove this 'problem' from our relationship.

[mashmac]

I had posted a long reply and it seems it seems it just evaporated!
I am a woman, I masturbate for as long as I can remember. Regardless of the frequency of the lovemaking. Ok - if I am really very active with "regular" lovemaking, I have less time to masturbate. But one doesn't exclude the other.And I also have a full-time job, big city, busy life, mortgage, two kids.....time is limited.

But to clarify: Is your wife against masturbation completely or is it that she feels you don't desire her anymore and prefer yourself than making love to her? But doesn't essentially have an issue with you having your "own time".

As for the romance - it sounds like you love her and so does she so if the desire is there (Ok time takes it's toll) it shouldn't be so hard to do a few romantic gestures. If you love each other the smallest nice thing will please her and you.
Flowers, a hot bath when the kids are aslepl (takes about six minutes to run it, put some bubbles in and two candles in a corner) or whatever else you used to do so long ago when you had more time and bring little bits back
into today. Or renewing your wedding wows? A lot of people (men and women) told me that it was a very romantic experience. Hope this helps even a little bit. I am not sure if that is the advice you want...

[busymaninIndy]

I had posted a long reply and it seems it seems it just evaporated!
I am a woman, I masturbate for as long as I can remember. Regardless of the frequency of the lovemaking. Ok - if I am really very active with "regular" lovemaking, I have less time to masturbate. But one doesn't exclude the other.And I also have a full-time job, big city, busy life, mortgage, two kids.....time is limited.

But to clarify: Is your wife against masturbation completely or is it that she feels you don't desire her anymore and prefer yourself than making love to her? But doesn't essentially have an issue with you having your "own time".

As for the romance - it sounds like you love her and so does she so if the desire is there (Ok time takes it's toll) it shouldn't be so hard to do a few romantic gestures. If you love each other the smallest nice thing will please her and you.
Flowers, a hot bath when the kids are aslepl (takes about six minutes to run it, put some bubbles in and two candles in a corner) or whatever else you used to do so long ago when you had more time and bring little bits back
into today. Or renewing your wedding wows? A lot of people (men and women) told me that it was a very romantic experience. Hope this helps even a little bit. I am not sure if that is the advice you want...
First, thanks for the tips on the bubble bath. We do put our kids to be about 8pm and then we stay up another hour or so I guess that is something I can try.

Our relationship started kind of busily. We did do romantic stuff like have our wedding in a foreign country and honeymoon in Italy. But when we met I think my simple 'existence' was enough romance to her. I think she thought I was some kind of wild man. I'm actually quite the opposite. And now that we have settled down and I need to become a romantic (I went long without relationships prior to meeting her and didn't have much of opportunity for romance).

Going back to the masturbation issue. She claims that she has no problem with me doing it, assuming she is sexually satisfied 100%. Actually I think she blames her lack of satisfaction on assumption that I am not interested in her, rather than, say, being sick and HER being unable to even participate in the first place. The masturbation issue I think is the quite verbal lightning rod here.

I'm going to work on the romance thing. I'm at work right now but not doing much of it. Mostly I'm just thinking about this issue.

[mashmac]

""""Actually I think she blames her lack of satisfaction on assumption that I am not interested in her, rather than, say, being sick and HER being unable to even participate in the first place. The masturbation issue I think is the quite verbal lightning rod here."""

Glad I could help with the bath tip. It's really simple. And it really feels nice.
From what you are saying - no desire issue from your part - no desire issue from her part SO MAKE LOVE TO HER! You just have to find the time. It's a must.
You she might think that you are not interested - well don't let her think or assume as it doesn't seem to be the case - tell her it isn't the case.

Nesting can be romantic too. It sounds like you afraid she must be disappointed in you because you are no longer able to just float around without obligations. The point is you both have responsabilities now and I am sure that as a wife and mother she understands that. Cuddle her, kiss her, hold her at night. That is equally pleasant. Us girls love cuddles! And I am sure you can take her to dinner at least once in a blue moon. Make it soon!

Sounds like you are a young family, am I right?with time you might be able to do more things. If you are a young family - then like every young couple realizing they are now grown up is not that simple. And not always fun. But as long as you share the love i will work out. Before you only had to think about pleasure and yourself - now there are bills to pay, kids to educate etc.. One trick I've used sometimes is to pick something to look forward too - this year it was organizing a big Christmas party for us, our friends, our kids, their kids - it was fun planning, debating the menu, thinking of decorations...Not original but it worked and we had a lovely Christmas. Helped us to forget some issues, helped me forget some issues even if only for a while. You could come up with your ow thing - a weekend away. Doesn't need to be fancy - it should still work. Something the two of you will enjoy.

[Tuxie]

The masturbation issue I think is the quite verbal lightning rod here.
Heh... I get it... 'rod'.... 'masturbation'.... you made a funny!! :haha:

You just have to find the time. It's a must.
You she might think that you are not interested - well don't let her think or assume as it doesn't seem to be the case - tell her it isn't the case.

Sounds like you are a young family, am I right?with time you might be able to do more things. If you are a young family - then like every young couple realizing they are now grown up is not that simple. And not always fun. But as long as you share the love i will work out. Before you only had to think about pleasure and yourself - now there are bills to pay, kids to educate etc.. One trick I've used sometimes is to pick something to look forward too - this year it was organizing a big Christmas party for us, our friends, our kids, their kids - it was fun planning, debating the menu, thinking of decorations...Not original but it worked and we had a lovely Christmas. Helped us to forget some issues, helped me forget some issues even if only for a while. You could come up with your ow thing - a weekend away. Doesn't need to be fancy - it should still work. Something the two of you will enjoy.
Ahhhh.... the old 'shtuff' gettin' in the way thing. Ya busyman... we all go through this. Bills, kids, problems at work... they always seem to pop their ugly head up at the most inconvienent time. Once we get away from the 'honeymoon period', normal life seems to creep in to our lives. What mashmac has said makes complete sense... the battle is in getting some of our focus back on the romance part.

Nesting can be romantic too. It sounds like you afraid she must be disappointed in you because you are no longer able to just float around without obligations. The point is you both have responsabilities now and I am sure that as a wife and mother she understands that. Cuddle her, kiss her, hold her at night. That is equally pleasant. Us girls love cuddles! And I am sure you can take her to dinner at least once in a blue moon. Make it soon!
:D Yesh!! Good shtuff! ;)

[truelovematch]

What matters the most is to take the initiative and be creative.