Insecurity

[Neo_Geisha]

I need some advice...

My husband and I have been married for 3 years; we are both 22 years old and have been together since high school. About a year and a half ago to two years ago, to the best of my recolection, we had a problem. Due to the way that I was subconsiously acting in our relationship, my husband had found a girl online that he believed he was falling in love with. I had no idea until I found a letter that he was intending on sending her. They had never met in person and everything was purely online with the exception of this letter. Long story short, it has all been resolved. Now here is the problem... I used to have problems dealing with him and this girl in particular, the situation would just sit in the back of my mind and eat away at me. Now I have let go of it but occasionally when he is online I worry that he is keeping something from me, that maybe I am subconsiously falling back into what I was doing before (even though I am now consious of what I was doing and consiously try my best to not do it.) and that another situation will occur like the one prior. I am not distrusting of him. I don't worry about who he is calling or what he is doing when he is out with his friends, just when he is online. I plan to talk with him about it, but there is only so much he can do to reassure me. I need someone's advice. Thanks.

[Tuxgal]

Hi there. Well, there really is only so much you can do, really. At some point you just gotta let go and trust him entirely. If something is gonna happen, it's gonna happen and there's not a whole lot you can do. Just ask him to come and talk to you if he should ever feel there is a problem in your relationship. Distrust, or insecurity can really wreck your relationship. We're here for ya'. Alot of us have dealt with a lot of trust issues and insecurities ourselves. :)

[Tuxie]

I'm not one to probably give advice here. See, I've had problems with trust in this area also. As Tuxgal has already said, many of us have. It seems to be a major hangup with relationships these days. There are just too many outside sources to help people 'drift away' from their s.o. I constantly battle with it. Too many bad relationships in the past have tainted my viewpoint as far as trust. It's a learned behavior.... it takes time.

[EC]

Neo, I sympathize your situation, if you believe in him then let it go but keep an eye and an ear opened, I know that things can get better after awhile if you both work on it, provided that 'both' of you want to work on it. With enough communication, you shouldn't have to worry.

Just a curious question, did you confront him about it and tell him not to send the letter?

Also, if you want to trust him, trust him, in my situation at the moment, my wife is leaving and this is our last night together at this place though she said she may come back sometimes. She still doesn't trust me that I trust her and interpret my body languages and things I said in totally opposite direction as if she's trying to pick a fight. And I have to tell you it's crap feeling when you're not doing anything wrong and they try to pick up and assume things you do.

[Neo_Geisha]

Just a curious question, did you confront him about it and tell him not to send the letter?

Here is some more back ground info:
Well, when I found it he was working nights and I was working days. He was taking a nap before he went to work and I had just given him a kiss "goodnight" and told him I was going to borrow his notebook to work on some of our finances. He said alright. I went into the living room and was flipping through it looking for a blank page and that is when I found it. I immediatley stormed back into the bedroom, woke him up, threw it on the bed and said "WHO THE ___ IS ____ AND WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER THAT YOU MISS HER AND THINK YOU ARE FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER??" He told me that he had written it a little while ago but never sent it. So, I took it, ripped it up and burned it actually. He told me it was over and that she knows that. So, one night I was sleeping and he was online and I couldn't sleep. So I walked to the study (I walk very quietly) and he was talking to someone. Just as I step in I see the little MSN messenger flashing (you know when you have a message from someone you are talking to) with her name on it. I was so mad and told him I wanted to see what it said and he wouldn't let me. I was physically trying to move him and I am pretty small so it wasn't working very well. He managed to unplug the computer before I could see. After that we had a lot of working out of things. Last Novemeber we actually took our honeymoon because we didn't get one when we married. We renewed our vows to eachother and dispite a few spats here and there that lasted maybe 5 minutes nothing has been like it was before. Though, there is one exception... when he was working nights and I was working days it really put a strain on our relationship. Now, I am working nights and he is working days. I don't want it to do the same thing to us and he is aware of that. However, I do have that itch in the back of my brain that I just cannot seem to scratch. You guys are right. I just need to let it go and just talk to him when I need to. My only "fear" when it comes to that is I don't want to make it appear to him that I am insecure.

Does anyone have any ideas as to how to talk to him about it w/o sounding insecure??