Don't Divorce Your Children

[Davey Crockett]

Divorce is certainly an emotional time for families. In fact, it ranks as one of the most stressful experiences in life. However, it is not only the adults who experience this stress. If the adults are parents, their children often suffer greatly. Their suffering can not be entirely eliminated. A certain amount of grief at the 'death' of their parents' relationship is to be expected. Nevertheless, while the adults are going through typically arduous legal wrangling it is important for them to remember the needs of their children and put them first. Deciding to cooperate for their sake will help to protect the children's emotional well being by maintaining their sense of security and need for unconditional love. Marital breakdown is difficult for everyone - especially children. There are several ways in which loving, responsible parents can cooperate for the good of their children. Even though the marriage may have broken down, the parental relationship is 'till death do us part'.

Child and youth counselors emphasize that children need lasting relationships with both parents. More often than not joint custody is granted because of this accepted understanding. Ideally, the relationship of the parents should be business-like and cooperative for the sake of the children. Children should not witness hostility between their parents and should not hear negative statements about either parent. It is recommended that parents commit to regularly scheduled meetings, in a neutral location for the purpose of discussing child-related issues. Education, medical, religious and moral issues that concern the children's well- being need to be dealt with by both parents. If emotions prohibit calm conversation, there are often family justice counselors available in the community to facilitate these important meetings.

Children going through the divorce of their parents usually have many questions and worries. Compassionate responses are required and it certainly takes mature parents in order to put aside their own issues and help their children gain some understanding about a situation over which they have no control. Unfortunately, many children experience guilt and often blame themselves for the marital breakup of their parents. Counseling - whether group or individual - can be an effective way to lessen this destructive burden. The objectivity of the counselor may help the child open up and share his/her feelings. As children mature, their questions will differ so the issue of their parents' divorce is never really over. A commitment on behalf of both parents to open communication with the children will reassure them greatly.

[typingdancingqueen]

Divorce yes it is an awful thing and it is bad enough when people do not have any children and break up or have a legal divorce. When children are involved, then there are things to deal with that cause great financial difficulties such as lawyers, child custody fights, and going to court and having to worry who will get the child(ren). Or even perhaps what state you'll have to live in, as you just may have to move and it is then hard for the children to leave their friends and their school and area. It costs a lot for the parent that does not get the custody of the child to pay those support payments. It is hard enough when they don't have the child every day, then they have to fight over how often they get to see the children. Like perhaps every other weekend, or once a month or something and that may depend on how far away they live. Or perhaps some only get the children for the summer vacation. Then there would be costs of gas and car expense, driving to and fro from where the other former partner now lives to where you live, or to meet the other former partner or x-spouse, to pick up the children. And can you imagine what the children are going through or thinking in this whole process?

[Tuxie]

I'm currently going through a divorce (in the final stages). The beginning of the break up was a nasty one. I have two wonderful children... both whom I love very dearly. At first, they were EXTREMELY bitter about the whole thing. Simply put... they didn't want anything to do with me. Because of the nature of the breakup, they really thought it was like a 'slap in the face' to both them and their Mom. Over time though, we have seemed to worked over the pain and hostility they had for me. My kids and I have decent relationships now... not nearly what they were, but it's getting better. Ya, it's important to NOT divorce the children... they're important too.

[gnahtov]

I was roughly 15 when my parents divorced. I felt like it was the end of the world. My mom tried to commit suicide and my family was literally torn apart. My parents divorced because my father was unfaithful to my mother. I used to resent my father because I felt he was the one to blame.

Shortly after the divorce my mother found out he was already married before and has 2 children previous to hers. She was devastated. Since that day, things have not been the same. I feel as though my mother does not love her kids the way a mother should. Kind of like we are children of the devil. Because of everything that happened, I understand now that I was not raised to value marriage and hence I have also been through a divorce. I now understand what it means to be married and one day I hope I get a second chance to right my wrong.

I love my mother and I feel pity for what she has been through. As I grow and experience more I also realize my mother is not exactly a family oriented role model. My sister ranaway at 16 and my brother got kicked out at 13 for shoplifiting toys. She even threw my clothes on the front lawn when I was 16 because of a very minor mistake. I simply picked up all my clothes and walked back in. I turned out pretty good despite a divorce. My brother will struggle for the rest of his life. My sister will get by but she cuold be so much more. My mother had too much pride to asks them to come home or come back and I believed that is where she went wrong. A mother's love should overcome pride and in this case it did not. They had to grow up very early and they have struggled ever since. I see the reprecussions of my parents divorce even 15 years later.

I recently decided that I have to put some distance between my mother and I for the sake of my happiness as well as my future family. It was not an easy decision as I have been through so much crap with her since her divorce. She has now been married for the 4th time and unhappy again. I strongly believe I am making the right decision and it is a lose lose situation no matter which route I take.

So my advice to divorcees with children. Instill the importance of marriage and its commitment. Make sure they understand that this is it. No divorce no giving up. If possible try to wrk out the marriage until the children are old enough to make responsible and smart decisions. Sacrifice your pride and compromise with your teenagers until they are at least 18. Most of all, practice what you preach.

Sorry for the long reply but I am simply tired.........

[laura_lee88]

Yeh, my brother and his wife are in the middle of the divorce and it is effecting there children really badly, if they have an argument she will stop him seeing his children which is wrong, its not the kids fault if there parent can't agree and more often than not, children get stuck in the middle and in my opinion end up in an emotional state of having to pick between both parents.
But i do think that, a child can have a happy life without there parents being together. Just because the parents arn't together dosen't mean that they will be loved less, although sometimes that can be tha case and it saddens me, i think a parents love should be unconditional.
I'm not an expert on this situation but i do see it from my nephews point of veiw, it is difficult.

[~Teej~]

I agree with Laura Lee...It's better for parents to seperate then to be together when they are unhappy..My mum stayed in an unhappy marriage for 10 years, waiting until we were old enough to understand before leaving...She had met this really nice man towards the end of her marriage and leaving my dad was the best thing she ever did..This man excepted both me and my brother into his house as his own children..Not a day goes by where I wish he was my actual dad...Well he is in my eyes anyway.

I think I went slightly off topic then

[verdaga]

I agree, even if you and your spouse are divorced, never let them feel that you are separated from them. Kids these days must be guided accordingly especially on separated parents in order for them to learn what's good or wrong in the future.