Old Habits Die Hard

[CalLee]

I have known my husband for 14 years. I have been in an “exclusive” relationship with him for 9 years. We have been married for 2 ½ years. Together we have 3 children and I recently found out that I’m 5 weeks pregnant with our fourth.

For the last few months, my marriage has been struggling. I desperately want to find a way to save my marriage but, I don’t now how. My husband caught me in a phone conversation and only after being confronted with it, did I tell him what was going on. For about a 1 ½ years, I have been having conversations with a man 20 years my senior. Many of the conversations were platonic but there were times when he would express his sexual desires for me although, he knew I was married. We never acted on these thoughts. In fact, it’s been about ten years since I was with someone else physically. Despite several failed attempts in the past, I have ended communications with this other man. For me I just needed to hear that I was desired and wanted, something that my husband had a hard time showing.

There were nights that he would not come home. This obviously sparked huge insecurities within me so I turned to others for verbal validation. My husband’s concern is not the fact that I talked to someone else but, the fact that I lied about it when given ample opportunities to be up front and honest with him about it. “Just tell me,” he would say. I just didn’t get it. He admitted to me that he has not been loyal. He has actually maintained a sexually active relationship with another woman for many years. He was pushing her to move on but, sees that attempt to be pointless based on recent events. Although this was extremely hard to hear, I could understand why. I took responsibility for it based on my lies. It was my lies that brought us to this point. This is not the first time in our 14 year relationship that I have lied. Each time he was willing to work with me and give me another chance which is why we've lasted this long.

Now he feels that he has made the biggest mistake in his life by asking me to marry him. He feels that the last 9 years have been a waste of time. How do I stay strong for myself and our children? Even now, he’s trying to see if there is anything left to salvage. Our conversations are often one-sided with my husband doing most of the talking. I don’t know what solutions to give that will help us through this. Does that mean I don’t want our marriage to work? I feel as though I have failed both him and our children. I’m on the brink of divorce and I don’t know what to say or do to save my marriage. I DO want to save it! How do I encourage him to stay and ensure him that part of me has died? I want to change! I am currently making steps to change and I want to share my growth with him. I need solutions! Am I asking him for too much?

[Tuxgal]

Hi CalLee and welcome to the ATLF. I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. Sounds to me like both you and your husband made some mistakes. I think, in order to save your marriage he needs to end things with this other woman right away and completely. If he can't or won't then I'm afraid there isn't much hope for you guys. Yes, what you did was wrong. Yes it would be considered cheating although you never got physical. But, you are in no way to blame for him cheating on you. From what it seems it was going on before you started talking to that guy. You ended it, you told your husband what happened. Don't let him put all of this on you. I think you both need to go to counseling both together and probably seperately as well. Something went wrong in your marriage years ago to set all this in motion and you need to figure out what, how to fix it or if you can. Do you have any children together?

[CalLee]

Thank you tuxgal for the welcome and quick reply.

As I mentioned in the beginning of my little novel, we do have 3 children and I am currently 5 weeks pregnant.

He was ending it with the other woman before the recent events because he believed that I was being faithful to him. He wanted to do right by me. This fact was later confirmed during a conversation I had with the other woman. She told me that she was indeed moving on because he can't/won't give her what she needs (marriage/children/commitment).

I never blamed him for cheating on me. I did say that I understood why he did. The events aren't even the real issue here. It's the fact that I lied. He would ask me if there was anything going on and I would deny it. I said that I would tell him if I was there was. It was only after I was caught that it came out.

How can I show him that it won't be the same if he's not here to see it? I don't want to worry so much that it causes problems with my pregnancy. I don't want to spot fighting like hell to get my family back!!!! I need actionable steps to make that happen.

[Tuxgal]

Oh, sorry I missed that...about your kids. My bad. Well, you were being physically faithful to him. Yes you did lie but I'm sorry I don't see where he has a leg to stand on. He was lying and being unfaithful. As I said...you both made your mistakes. But, especially with you having kids together with another on the way, you need to work on things and try to save it. This can start with maybe writing him a letter, since most of your talks he monoplizes, telling him that you messed up and you are sorry and you regret what happened, but he's made some mistakes as well. That maybe you guys can work together to move on and move past these things and start over. It will probably be a while until the trust is there for either of you, but with time and help it can come. Is he willing to try counseling? Once again...I'm very sorry for what your going through. It can't be easy on everyone.

[oyster]

my 2 cents for today is:
1-Talk to your husband
2-Talk to your husband
3-Talk to your husband

No it was not a typo. Talk openly about your feelings, your perception of him, what you want for the future, what went wrong and how you can suggest to fix or improve upon negative situation.


Keep the communication line open, if needed talk to a common professional therapist.

[CalLee]

I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. Right now I realize that's all I can do. Whether or not he is willing to hear me at this time is another story and frankly, out of my control. I actually was considering writing a letter. During our conversations, I tend to shut down and offer little input regarding the situation. I wrote an apology letter a few months ago when this all came out. It was effective. He had left the evening before and when he returned the following morning he found the letter I had wrote at about 3 am along with my wedding ring. We had a few words before I left for work. He actually ended up giving my ring back to me while admitting that he too had lied. We were going to get through it. Then I started writing a journal, jotting thoughts down as they come to mind. I haven't shared any of it with him. I'm definitely not looking for a quick fix. I am prepared to put in the time & effort but that's only 1/2 of the equation. At this time, he is not open for counseling. The problem is my habitual lying. He anticipates future behavior based on past actions especially, if it happens over and over again. I have had some serious childhood issues that I have held on to for a long time. My husband has been the only one who I have shared these issues with. Issues that my husband feels have played a huge role in how approach my relationships. Maybe it’s time for me to address those with a professional.

[Tuxgal]

Yeah I think it'd be a good idea to talk to a profesional. if he won't go with you, go by yourself. You might be able to figure things out about yourself and it may help your marriage.

[Tuxie]

It will take too much space to type about it, if you have spare $20 or so, buy it, and keep your mind opened and think back about your situation, you will discover so many things people overlooked.
There's an old saying that applies here... "Hindsight is always 20/20". I find it true in my own life, and I'm sure you'll find it true also. Good point EC.

[CalLee]

Wow EmotionalCreature, I see you've been reading your book...

Why would you say is might not be the best thing to base his cheating on my lies? It would be easier to deal with if I knew I had no part in the situation. Then I could honestly say that I gave it my best. I don't think I gave it my best because if I did I would have been wiser to see what I have...had, I would have been more patient and understanding, I would have not jeopardized the only thing that has mattered in my life. The family that we created together.

What do you mean by being nasty? I have never thrown it in his face. I am always apologetic because I am sorry. It hurts me so much to put him through this bs when I know he's working on his own weaknesses. Weaknesses that he has been more than up front and honest about. For this reason I can't help but bear the majority of the burden. No we aren't in this to hurt each other but, it's happening and I want it to stop. Yes I do want my marriage and relationship with my husband to not just work but to succeed!

The last time we spoke he said that he sees I'm doing this and that to improve myself because now our marriage is at risk and that is all great but, what could I offer him to get through it. What advise could I give him to want to make it work that doesn't involve an action that I must make? What can he do? He hasn't been coming home every night but when he does that's when we talk & he hopes that I have something to say, a way to help him. He wants me to help him and I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to say that will help him.

My husband is extremely close to the same point as your wife and feels the same way. He feels as though he has spent the majority of the time giving and not getting. The fact that I'm seeking help and sincerely want to make a change is proof the I refuse to knock down anymore bricks especially if I can see any sliver of a chance that we could get through and above this.

I'm here looking for a way not to lose this chance. Thank you for your well wishes.

[Tuxie]

Hi CalLee,

Sorry for all the pain you've gone through with this. We all experience pain, whether physical or emotional. What I can share with you is based on my own experiences. Hopefully, you can find some help and answers from my post.

I've found that the main reason couples 'cheat' is because of this main thing. Lack of attention. I walked away from my home, because I was asked to leave. Hence, I didn't feel very 'wanted'. I didn't look for anyone for a short while, because it hurt down deep. But, there came a day when my soul cried out for attention... and I searched for it. Basic human need is to be loved and cared for. I think both you and your husband reflected this need in what you both did.

I think it's wrong for you to think that it's YOUR FAULT he cheated. Each individual should be responsible for their own actions. We may act because of a certain way someone else treats us, but the bottom line is... it is our choice to act in the way we do.

How do you fix this? Or attempt to fix it? Communication is key. You've already said that you don't feel comfortable verbalizing your feelings. Then I'd encourage you to write ALL your feelings down. Write down the reasons you want this marriage to work. Write down the ways you're trying to help it work. Communicate these things to him. Because, if you don't tell him... he will never know. And if the only way you can communicate this to him is by writing them out.... then by all means, write. Tell him how the thought of life without him makes you feel. Tell him again, how you know you messed up. Tell him you'd be willing to spend the rest of your life to prove your love for him.

As has been mentioned already, I'd strongly encourage counseling. Preferably for the both of you. At least for you. They can help strengthen your resolve to make this work.

I know it's hard CalLee. We are here for each other... pulling for each other... cheering each other on. It's through our own experience we gain knowledge. We all have tough times we go through. What I've said here is not some revelation... it's stuff we all know. I hope what I've said has helped. I wish the best for you and your husband. Keep us updated as you can. :)

[CalLee]

I just use my mistakes as examples, I might have been too emotional at the time of writing, my apologies if anything I've said made you feel uncomfortable.

Hey EmotionalCreature,

I have not hard feelings about what you said and there are no apologies needed. I just needed some clarification on a few statements that were made by you. Would you review my reply post and address those questions for me?

[CalLee]

Hi Tuxguy,

I have found out early on that my husband is a very solitary individual who has no need to be surrounded by people or things to be at peace. This is our problem because I am his complete opposite. Because I have grown to enjoy the quite times together this has made me more dependent on him for emotional needs. This neediness is somewhat of a turnoff for him. It is a change in the confidence he saw in me when we first met. When we were seeing other people. My independence and confidence was sexy to him.

I have begun doing some freewriting. Just writing any and everything that comes to mind. I plan on putting it all together and presenting it to him. I strongly agree with you and Tuxgal on this point. I haven't seen him since Sunday night and he is not answering his cellphone so right now, writing is all I can do.

I started searching for a professional help today. I hope that if I could somehow understand some deeper reason as to why I continue to lie...the real root of our problems.

[EC]

Wow EmotionalCreature, I see you've been reading your book...
CalLee, book is only a book, its the experiences of the couples in the book that is so interesting. I am not trying to read the book out to you but it helps me discover a few things I was blind to. Everybody here help a lot too, half a page of texts can save someone's life :)

Why would you say is might not be the best thing to base his cheating on my lies?
You are right about the most important things in life. Think of walking on the great wall of China, climbing Mount Everest, sure they are great achievements but think again imagining you're there by yourself, or with friends. Imagine having the nicest house on the block with big comfy bed, and imagine you're laying there alone. What value these materials have when you don't have him. I want you to know mistakes were made, but at the same time remain your positive energy to correct them not to live in them and keep looking back at them as a black mark on your white clean sheet you're about to write your new chapters on.

It hurts me so much to put him through this bs when I know he's working on his own weaknesses. Weaknesses that he has been more than up front and honest about.
Communicate to him about this, timing is important, do this when the kids are away. Do something you know you used to do with him and both of you felt the love in the air. Then you can bring it out to him in a subtle, calm, opened minded manner. You can't control how he will react, if he doesn't react positively be calm and let him say what he wants and show him you are serious about making changes in yourself. Don't be afraid to step forward for your relationship, you don't have to take a big step, a baby step to begin with is all you need, and to regain his trust it won't just take a week, it can take time. Think before you reply to him, think about how you will feel if you're to listen to what you about to say.

Yes I do want my marriage and relationship with my husband to not just work but to succeed!
That's the way, I wish my wife still have that feeling...

I don't know what to say that will help him.
I don't have an answer for you about him, everyone is different and you've been with him for over a decade, open your eyes and mind and you might see something. Saying what you will do sparks up hopes, and when there is even a small glimpse of hope, it prompts us to watch with the hope on what's going to happen, and if it doesn't, it can cause disappointment, if you say you will do it, do it. I think between telling my wife "I love you" with all heart, and taking initiative in looking after our interests (E.g. financial planning, retirement plans, looking at health insurance plans, keeping the house uncluttered, etc) as a couple, which one do you think make a better statement of "I LOVE YOU", however, the words need to be communicated, just not always have to be verbal.

The fact that I'm seeking help and sincerely want to make a change is proof the I refuse to knock down anymore bricks especially if I can see any sliver of a chance that we could get through and above this.
If I was to be your husband reading this, I would be smiling right now. Find the pace you're comfortable with in putting these through, watch his reactions and pace it with the pace that he is comfortable with.

[Tuxgal]

Hi Tuxguy,

I have found out early on that my husband is a very solitary individual who has no need to be surrounded by people or things to be at peace. This is our problem because I am his complete opposite. Because I have grown to enjoy the quite times together this has made me more dependent on him for emotional needs. This neediness is somewhat of a turnoff for him. It is a change in the confidence he saw in me when we first met. When we were seeing other people. My independence and confidence was sexy to him.

I have begun doing some freewriting. Just writing any and everything that comes to mind. I plan on putting it all together and presenting it to him. I strongly agree with you and Tuxgal on this point. I haven't seen him since Sunday night and he is not answering his cellphone so right now, writing is all I can do.

I started searching for a professional help today. I hope that if I could somehow understand some deeper reason as to why I continue to lie...the real root of our problems. I'm glad you are trying to take some positive steps. I hope he will at least read what you have to say and that maybe it will start a discussion. Good luck to you. Let us know how it goes.