my marriage is falling apart. please help.

[harley822331]

my wife and i are high school sweet hearts. weve been married for 5 years but together for 13 years. she told me today she not in love with me anymore, but that she does love me and always will. that she had been planning to divorce me and run off with another guy. we have 3 kids together and i am still very much in love with her. she says she fell out of love with me over the summer when i, unknowingly, was battling depression. she says its because i wasnt paying any attn to her and that it hurt her so bad that she fell out of love with me. i do admitt to neglecting her. i didnt realize i was doing it and i would go back and change it if i could. she is willing to work on our marriage to see if she can get it back, the love. how can i help her love me again?

[oyster]

my wife and i are high school sweet hearts. weve been married for 5 years but together for 13 years. she told me today she not in love with me anymore, but that she does love me and always will. that she had been planning to devorce me and run off with another guy. we have 3 kids together and i am still very much in love with her. she says she fell out of love with me over the summer when i, unknowingly, was battling depression. she says its because iwasnt paying any attn to her and that it hurt her so bad that she fell out of love with me. i do admitt to neglecting her. i didnt realize i was doing it and i would go back and change it if i could. she is willing to work on our marriage to see if she can get it back, the love. how can i help her love me again?

love can't be bought nor forced upon. I hope it won't cost you half your assets.

the summer was the breaking point for her, your relationship went south way before that. Woman are way more tolerant than us men.

you have to enquire about what the other guy is giving her that you are not. (forget about money, car, house)

I say if you really love someone, let them go. If you hang on, then you are in the business of controling her, not loving.

[Tuxie]

Hey harley,

I can certainly sympathize with your situation. I was married for 20+ years myself. My wife turned into another person... which in turn, changed me. My situation didn't revolve around depression, but I could see where depression would tend to 'change' the way you act toward everyone.

I don't understand where you say she told you she doesn't love you, then you say that she loves you and always will. Could you clarify that for us?

Surely your wife realizes you were battling depression, and that alone would make you act differently towards her. How are you treating the depression? Is it helping? It's good that she's wanting to work on things, I'm glad to hear that.

I've heard it said that if you fall out of love with someone, you can fall back in love with them. My advise to you harley, is that you do the little things you used to do when you first dated your wife. Obviously, going on dates again... maybe sending her flowers. Show her that love you have in your heart. If there's still any of that love deep inside of her for you, your actions will cause it to grow once again.

[oyster]

.....I've heard it said that if you fall out of love with someone, you can fall back in love with them. My advise to you harley, is that you do the little things you used to do when you first dated your wife. Obviously, going on dates again... maybe sending her flowers. Show her that love you have in your heart. If there's still any of that love deep inside of her for you, your actions will cause it to grow once again.

you hit the nail on the spot. remember that action speaks louder than words.

you know people's true colour when the going gets tough. Now it is your depression. What happens down the road if for some reasons you are ill, can't work, can't pay the bills, do you really think she will stand by you?

I mean consider scenario where health issue + financial issues, if you think she will stand by you, then invest time. If not, start rebuilding.

[Tuxie]

All good points oyster.

My thoughts were that TRUE LOVE should remain the same, no matter the circumstances. Basically reinforcing your thoughts.

Harley asked what he could do to get the love back. It seems like there is still some hope there. Take care harley, we're here for you if you need to talk.

[oyster]

All good points oyster.

My thoughts were that TRUE LOVE should remain the same, no matter the circumstances. Basically reinforcing your thoughts.

Harley asked what he could do to get the love back. It seems like there is still some hope there. Take care harley, we're here for you if you need to talk.

I agree with you about TRUE love but I have to tell you that I am the other guy (met married woman who was living seperate life for 1 year). So I know how the woman feels.

Harley has a chance if the other guy is only looking for FUN with his wife. But if she loves the other guy and the other is willing to marry her then you have a problem.

In my situation, the husband did all sort of brainwashing on her, used spy software, fabricated stories about me to scare her off but guess what, it pushed further away from her husband and closer to filling for seperation then divorce.

[oyster]

just to clarify, I am not related to harley822331 (I am not dating his wife).

I am the "other man" in another relationship. I am only providing input because rarely the "other man" speaks out.

I wish everyone happyness but relationship is so bloody complicated. Reading on people's experience and research

[audreycsmith]

Dear Harley....:

You must be in or close to your next 7 years with your wife. You said that you were together 13 years now. Wow, that is close to another 7 years in a relationship. Every 7 years with the same person, is the time that differences surface. Right now, there isn't anything you can do as far as gaining her undevoted love to you back again. She has someone that is giving her attention right now. There probably aren't any children in that relationship as well. Your wife right now is tired and bored of the same life she was having. That is completely normal. You are working and can't see what goes on with her most of the time (when she is involved with the house and children). Married women, with children, tend to become different towards their counterpart. Love isn't the same, you know, the giggly feeling, the undying desire to be with you all the time, the chance to bed you at anytime, any place, etc. It's all different for her now and she hates that. She made her bed, (having children and settling down), but doesn't know how to handle it so that her love for you, the way she use to feel, is part of her new life. She does love you, just in the a different way than what she use to be. She hasn't or doesn't want to accept. All I can say, other than that, is that you have now have to settle with life without her, and you must start making a challenge of the relationship you have with her. Women are excited by challenge. That is the way that get a man to want them and take them in as their lover and wife. (Men don't know this, and women usually don't know how to handle it well). The wealthy and prestigious do though, and I read a lot about them and their people who help get them where they are. So, when she calls on you, make like you can't talk right now. When she wants your help, tell her you will help her, but not right now. You are working on something and can't get away. When you talk to her, act nonchalant and don't, by any means, bring up anything about you and her. And, most importantly, don't be a cry baby. Let her feel you are strong and that you can maintain the house, children, and anything with her. You will feel hurt about lying to her, but you will find that she will want to be more in to your life than she has been. It really does work. Her guy will get tired of hearing her moap about you and the children, and he will eventually give up on her.

If she is any type of woman, she will be back. She is just temporarily going through a change in her life, and you and the children are in the way. Let her experience what she needs to. You broke all that for her when you got her pregnant and you all got married. She was ready, it was just blessings from the Lord, and she did her part and had them and raised them until the time came and you got sick. The part about you not giving her attention during the time that you wee sick, is hogwash. She was suppose to be there for you, (you know for sickness and in health), when you made your marital vows. My husband and I argue everyday, for 24 years now, we hate, we love, but we are still together. We have two children, ages 20 and 21. They don't like hearing the arguments, but they are still at home with us and still love us. Life is so stupied nowadays. It isn't like it was in the past. Life was beautiful then and people married for life.

I wish you all the best Harley. You can write me at audreycsmith at verizon dot net if you need any further help or just want to chat with a new friend.

Sincerely,

audreycsmith

[oyster]

harley822331, do you have any updates for the forum?

[mashmac]

From my experience - married people almost always go back to their spouse. If you love her - don't give up and if she is prepared to still talk to you about your relationship, perhaps there is hope. Do you know who this other man is? Perhaps she just needed to be comforted and feel love when it looked as if you weren't able to give it to her during your depression.
Try and hold in there as much as you can and if you can forgive her betrayal she might realize what a great man you are. Keep on trying if she is willing to still do so but be careful not to go nuts and suffocate her with your needs.
take care and talk to me if you need support. I am in the opposite scenario - the married man went back to his wife.