making a decision

[kitsunesan]

I was wondering if i could get some help. I seem to be in a situation that i can't figure out by myself and i have talked to a few people but none who really understand because i dont know anyone who has been in this situation (also i moved overseas 4 months ago so i dont know that many people well enough here). Anyway i will get to the point.

I am a female, 21, living in Okinawa, Japan as a nanny for an American military family. I had been working for around 2 months when i met Kazz. He is a Japanese guy around 3 years older than me and speaks some English. My Japanese is conversation level but i really want to study it to become fluent. Anyway we get along really well. Soon after out first date i went to mainland for 3 weeks on a holiday and met Kohei (also Japanese). We got along really well too, but he is soo different from Kazz and he is 10 years older than me. The age thing dosent bother me, its good really. Kohei's English is almost perfect, he lived in the states for a long time and other countries too.

Kazz is fun, sweet, cool and very cute! We have alot in common and i just love being around him. I can't really tell if it will work in the long run but i really want to try. One of the main problems is that we are both so busy. He works during the day at a desk job, and on the weekends at night in a bar (where we met) and i work from 6am-5pm so when he finishes (9pm) i am getting ready to go to bed. The other thing is there are language problems but we can work most things out.

Kohei is really different to Kazz, but still fun, cool and cute. I can talk to him forever and he has more free time because his job is well paying. I know it would work well for a while but Kohei dosent really want to stay in Japan, he loves to travel and wants to end up in Brazil or somewhere.

Now i am in the situation where i am feeling like i need to change jobs and where i live. I have learnt alot from this place, and this job, but it's not what i really want. I would like to be living with some Japanese people and really using Japanese alot more. I want to move somewhere i can go to school, or at least get some Japanese lessons because where i am now is far away from everything and the public transport here isn't that great (i dont have a car). So it's either Tokyo and Kohei or Naha (Okinawa main city) and Kazz

But the problem is I like both guys and they both like me. I have been each of them with them intimatley and they are both fantastic guys but i don't know what i want. Being with Kohei will be fun because i know there are so many things we can do together. Being with Kazz is the best time i have had with any guy but i can't talk to him as easily. I think i like Kazz more but it could just be a stupid school girl thing. I keep changing my mind and getting fustrated because this is a hard thing to figure out especially in the time frame i have (until early March).

Sorry this is so long. Right now everything is just a mess and since i have nobody who i feel i can talk to about it i would appreciate any advice.

[aussiecoffee007]

well... close your eyes and imagine you staring into the eyes of just one person... who do you see?

it seems to be that fun can sometimes die out, and then after that, if the emotional side of the relationship isnt built up, it can kind of... disintegrate, you know?

why do you think you like kazz more? is it because you have more fun?

which guy can you talk to about feelings and problems? who is more open with you?

[Tony]

well this one I fine interesting
I see this as you have two guys that you like and you are interested in
if you do feel that you want to change your job and where you live just may be you could travel with Kohei and share things with him.

If you wish to learn more about Japan and its culture then may be Kazz is the right one for you.
with both guys you have a chance to share and learn so much.
my advice would be as you are not bf & gf with either may be have a talk to each guy just to see what there feelings are for you and what they would like in a relationship with you.

your time frame makes things very hard for you
try not to rush and talk to both Kazz and Kohei about what the future may hold together
I know other members will help you with this also

[stoner]

I can imagine how tough it can be, developing feelings for two men simultaneously. I'm not sure if I can be of help to you, as I happen to be a one woman person. I will, however, admit to the challenges and frustration of belonging to someone else, when I think the right woman comes along. But those feelings are so yesterday for me, and I'm happily married to my wife in the here and now.

I do can relate about the cultural barriers that you have to contend with, between your upbringing in Australia and theirs. My wife is Korean, and she's neither the type who was born and raised here in the U.S. nor born in Korea but came to the states as a child. She has very strong ties to her culture ... almost to the point of being ethnocentric that I thought our relationship would never work out. But I learned to let go of the baggage associated with my upbringing, and I began to understand her culture. Simultaneously, she did the same, and understood mine. It's glad to know that you're willing to learn about Japanese culture, and hopefully whoever you choose would be willing to do the same as well.

I will agree with Tony on this one. You just have to look at the mirror and give yourself a self assessment, regarding your taste and preferences; hobbies; the "niche" you're trying to find in life; and the risks that you are willing to take, be adventurous and learn from it. Once you've done that, then match them with the two men in your life, and make the choice from there.

You don't have to make a speedy decision. You're still young to make any promises IMO. For the time being, do not bother to get into the bf/gf thing and enjoy the company of both men in both casual, formal and intimate settings. As time passes, you will develop your own personal feelings and with whom your heart beats louder for. Just take your time, be patient, and enjoy the moments as they come along. Good luck.

[devilwoman]

thats a tricky one really. For me, I'd say to go with the one you can talk to easiest, fun can end but conversation is always going to be there.

The only thing I can really suggest though is that you give yourself a break from them both for a while and see which one you miss the most, see who you find yourself thinking about most. Don't know if thats any help to you really but it's all I can think of right now, sorry

[**Sapphire**]

The people before me have given you some good advice & lots of different things to think about, which is very good.

I do think Kay is on to something good here in maybe taking a little time away from them both. As she said to see who you miss the most, but also for you to do some thinking on WHO you could see a long standing relationship & future. Right now you are seeing them both, so your feelings are going to be very strong for each 1. If you give yourself some time away, the feelings won't go away, but you may be a little more clear headed in your thinking about each 1 & possibly making a decision.

Good luck & please keep us posted on how you are doing. :)