charmed4good
01-13-2008, 05:13 AM
I Do Not Know How to Begin. I should start by telling you all that i am a 15 year old living in india.My name is Harshit Sharma. I am Currently studying in the 10th grade.
Two years ago , i was a fresher at my school. So was this another guy whose name was Abhimanyu Singh. In my first year in this school we weren't that great friends but in 9th grade we developed our friendship. In the middle of ninth great we had become great friends and had lots of fun together.We branded our relationship to be that of "Best Friends".........
Now Abhimanyu my newly developed friend was a bit weird....He was self centered and didnt think much about others....but the strange thing was that he was not malicious by any means.Also his liking for girls was extremely sexual(based COMPLETELY on how pretty the girl is and what her bust size is!!) and he had never fallen or even felt the feeling of "love" for a girl. His capacity to feel was very little....it was as if , he were numb, or maybe he didnt express himself, i do not know. This guy did not take friendship seriously but only as a way of having fun. For him friendship was necessary only because one cannot talk to the air....
I on the other hand was totally different in this respect....for me ,life is all about feeling. Feeling is a gift of god and the sole purpose of life is to endure the wide range of human emotion. Whether it be friendship or sexual love...i cherish it to the fullest.....
Now, the scene was, that after becoming "Best Friends" with me Abhimanyu started to take friendship seriously..he did start to cherish it...I was important to him.....till i started messing things up....
To summarize it..I became as if obsessed with him. I started to get mad at him at the smallest of mistakes. He would not hang around with me for just an hour and i would sue him , he wouldn't back me up once and i would pounce on him, if someone made fun of me and he would simply laugh and i almost murdered him, I would somehow find a reason to get mad at him......initially it was because of some genuine reasons and later i just did it simply because i loved the way he would console me and say sorry.........i was using him to make me feel important and nothing else.......
Now i must mention here that all the while my feelings for him are completely non sexual...i am straight and i do not have a crush on this guy.....
Of course, Abhimanyu started getting bugged at me.....of how ALL the time i was nothing but mad at him......i can only imagine his plight...what must he feel to have someone getting on your nerves all the time and so he stopped consoling me and so i started getting angry at him more often for no particular reason.....a stage reached where he would complain about me to others...of how i was being the worst of people......and knowing that he did so really irritated me.....
And now what has happened is that Abhimanyu has started disliking me...(at least i think so) and even though we still call each other best friends, that original love no longer remains.....he has lost his faith in the institution of friendship and is back to his laidback attitude.......that friends are no more than useless objects....Because of me he feels that he should not get attached to any of his friends as getting attached will bring him the same fate and nothing else but problems.......
I am feeling so guilty.......and i do not lie.....i really really care for him.....even though I've never felt even the slightest of gay attraction towards him, I really really care for him....other than my family, he is the most important person in my life.
Next year we may not be in the same schools...we might even be in different cities...and there he shall meet new people and that is where my concern comes...what then??? what if he never gets attached to any of them??? But i want him to, i do want him to develop the same friendship that he had done with me ....but i know he can never..not after what i have done....
I think I'm losing him. Even worse, I Know I have lost him....at least what he was......Is there any way I can bring him back???
Two years ago , i was a fresher at my school. So was this another guy whose name was Abhimanyu Singh. In my first year in this school we weren't that great friends but in 9th grade we developed our friendship. In the middle of ninth great we had become great friends and had lots of fun together.We branded our relationship to be that of "Best Friends".........
Now Abhimanyu my newly developed friend was a bit weird....He was self centered and didnt think much about others....but the strange thing was that he was not malicious by any means.Also his liking for girls was extremely sexual(based COMPLETELY on how pretty the girl is and what her bust size is!!) and he had never fallen or even felt the feeling of "love" for a girl. His capacity to feel was very little....it was as if , he were numb, or maybe he didnt express himself, i do not know. This guy did not take friendship seriously but only as a way of having fun. For him friendship was necessary only because one cannot talk to the air....
I on the other hand was totally different in this respect....for me ,life is all about feeling. Feeling is a gift of god and the sole purpose of life is to endure the wide range of human emotion. Whether it be friendship or sexual love...i cherish it to the fullest.....
Now, the scene was, that after becoming "Best Friends" with me Abhimanyu started to take friendship seriously..he did start to cherish it...I was important to him.....till i started messing things up....
To summarize it..I became as if obsessed with him. I started to get mad at him at the smallest of mistakes. He would not hang around with me for just an hour and i would sue him , he wouldn't back me up once and i would pounce on him, if someone made fun of me and he would simply laugh and i almost murdered him, I would somehow find a reason to get mad at him......initially it was because of some genuine reasons and later i just did it simply because i loved the way he would console me and say sorry.........i was using him to make me feel important and nothing else.......
Now i must mention here that all the while my feelings for him are completely non sexual...i am straight and i do not have a crush on this guy.....
Of course, Abhimanyu started getting bugged at me.....of how ALL the time i was nothing but mad at him......i can only imagine his plight...what must he feel to have someone getting on your nerves all the time and so he stopped consoling me and so i started getting angry at him more often for no particular reason.....a stage reached where he would complain about me to others...of how i was being the worst of people......and knowing that he did so really irritated me.....
And now what has happened is that Abhimanyu has started disliking me...(at least i think so) and even though we still call each other best friends, that original love no longer remains.....he has lost his faith in the institution of friendship and is back to his laidback attitude.......that friends are no more than useless objects....Because of me he feels that he should not get attached to any of his friends as getting attached will bring him the same fate and nothing else but problems.......
I am feeling so guilty.......and i do not lie.....i really really care for him.....even though I've never felt even the slightest of gay attraction towards him, I really really care for him....other than my family, he is the most important person in my life.
Next year we may not be in the same schools...we might even be in different cities...and there he shall meet new people and that is where my concern comes...what then??? what if he never gets attached to any of them??? But i want him to, i do want him to develop the same friendship that he had done with me ....but i know he can never..not after what i have done....
I think I'm losing him. Even worse, I Know I have lost him....at least what he was......Is there any way I can bring him back???