I envy my boyfriend like crazy

[toomuchenvy]

To get it straight, envy is my biggest weakness, and I can never stand being with anyone that is better than I am (in whatever way: intelligence, appearance, accomplishments, etc.) Whenever I come across someone whom I perceive is a better individual than me, I'll run away from him/her as far as possible, otherwise the envious fire at my heart would burn me to death. Paradoxically, I fell in love with a guy whom I perceive is smarter and more accomplished than I am. He loves me too (or even more than I do him). But part of me doesn't seem to be able to carry on this relationship anymore, because I can't stand the fact that I'm inferior than my boyfriend in some areas. I usually date someone that is equal to me or slightly dumber than me so that I can feel I'm in control. My boyfriend's intellectual superiority makes me insecure and vulnerable. I shiver whenever seeing his grandiose accomplishments. I remember someone said, "envy's true nature is the will to completely destroy the envied"—do I want to destroy my boyfriend then? Well, yes, I do RESENT him for having talents that I don't have. Yet at the same time I'm in love with him. Yes, I love AND hate him simultaneously! Such feeling is too much to handle. Ugh. I don't think I can leave him, because he loves me so deeply that I'm afraid he'd have a huge breakdown if I went away—that'd be too selfish of me. If I could get rid of my envy, everything would be fine. But how can I do it? This bad trait of mine is so ingrained in me. I always uncontrollably compare myself with others. I can't help it. So I am seeking advice from you guys. Please don't say, "everyone has his/her talents and defects. You are equal to your boyfriend because you have talents too." Yes, I do have several talents he doesn't have. But from what I perceive, my boyfriend has MORE talents than I do. He is superior to me MORE OFTEN than I am to him. I can't stand this. Meanwhile, I wish I could eradicate my envy and have a wonderful relationship with this guy.

[BBArmygf]

This probably isnt the answer you are lookin for but ill let you know what i think. I would suggest first telling him how you feel about all that. It is who you are as a person and not telling him would kind of be like a lie. Like you arent yourself around him. And then maybe seeing a psychiatrist. It sounds like youve had this problem a long time and maybe a psychiatrist could find the source and help you over come it before it ruins another one of your relationships. Sounds like you really love this guy so i think nows the time to stop your issue with envy and go on happy in life. Its the least you can do not only for a guy that loves you so much but also for yourself so you can live life without that frustration. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[Tuxgal]

I would agree that getting some counseling would be a good idea. My boyfriend is smarter and more talented than I. I love it though, I learn so much from him. Too often, these days women feel they must maintain power and control in their relationship. It's sad, really. I'm not saying we should be like the housewives of the 50's. But nor do I think we must be the sole holder of power and control. Relationships are 50-50. They aren't always, of course. Sometimes it's 60-40 or 40-60 or 30-70 etc. But overall it should be give and take, making compromises and opening your mind to new experiences. You should be glad that he has other, different or even more talents than you. Just think of what you can learn, and think of what he can learn from you. Good luck, I hope you can get over this and enjoy your relationship.

[Tuxie]

Oooof.... toomuchenvy.... sorry, but you need help. You're gonna drive yourself nuts with that reasoning. I'm sure if you ask your bf, he doesn't "look down" at you as "inferior".... he loves you, and should only want the best for you. Sorry tuxgal, I don't agree with your 50/50 statement. A relationship is 100/100.... both partners giving their all. That's just the way I sees it... my two cents. Best of luck to you toomuchenvy and your relationship.

[Tuxgal]

Well, I was just saying...its give n' take, compromise and all, hunny. I'm say that the "power" in a relationship is 50-50 but it's not constant, it can change...I dunno. I'm no expert in relationships by any means...I was just quoting a psycholgist from another forum. All I know is toomuchenvy needs some help to get over this. I mean geez, how do you think that other person would feel if they knew you were with them because you saw them as dumb or inferior? I hope u get help soon

[Tuxie]

*nods*

Tuxgal can attest to this.... I've always told her that I want to help her be the best she can be, not tear her down. In my attempts to be a 'good, supportive bf'... that's how I want to act. I dont ever want her to feel inferior to me... we're a team. :D

[SallySalle]

One word. Counseling. Not because your crazy, but because if you don't you may really go crazy. It sounds to me as if you've got a ton of misguided notions bottled up. In order to save your present relationship or another down the road, and yourself. You should consider talking to someone. Talking to a neutral party; who can give you legit ways to overcome your envy and maybe even find the root; would make you feel a lot less...frustrated. You could even take your boyfriend, or do it in private. I guarantee things will look much clearer, a lot less "green" if you do. Lord knows counseling has kept me sane, and my tears away.

[TreeofSephri]

So what you are saying is in order for someone to be with you their achievements, ambitions and potential have to be limited by yours. Maybe you should spend a little time by yourself maturing and focusing on what truly important. Why not use that envy to motivate you to do better?