I need advice real badly - 10/22/06

[audreycsmith]

Married 22 years, have two grown up girls living in the home, reside in Maryland. Reside in a single family home which is owned by my husband and his brother. Here is the problem. Besides not having my name on the home, I am not on the title of the family car, checking, and or savings accounts. My name is not on any family bills, except the car insurance. I barely am able to even drive the family car.

Those are meaningless compared to the below list of my marital problems. Here I go:

My husband's mother, father (who is now deceased), and brother are always in our relationship. Not only that, now I have to put up with my husband's Aunt, who ignores my pleas to leave our home each and everytime she enters are house with her sister, who is my mother in law. They call our home anytime and at any hour wanting to know what's going on in our home. Truly it is none of their business. My husband is undergoing chemo and can't work at this time so his mother has been paying the mortgage while the children and I help with the utility bills. I give all of my money to the family from p.t. jobs that I perform. The children work p.t. and give a portion of their earnings to my husband to pay bills. My mother in law has only been paying our mortgage since February, 2006. Now she think she has rights to come into our home anytime because of this. That is so stupid since she has been coming over each and everyday for the past 22 years. She didn't pay any mortgage payment back then. Only when my husband became unemployed and his retirement savings went down to nothing.

The Aunt doesn't pay anything. If she truly loved her nephew, my husband, then she would have given up $12,000 of the $15,000 she just acquired from the death of her boyfriend whom she lived with for 24 years. She won't even go and stay in her own home two doors down from our home, because her past boyfriend is still residing there. It is nuts. So she embarks on my brother in law and mother in laws home so she has a place to stay. That is so unfair to the two of them. My mother in law's younger sister resides in the Aunt's home so why can't the Aunt herself live in her own home.

She hangs up the phone when I answer it from our end. She wants to talk to my husband or my girls just to find out what is going on. She is so nosy. She has to know what everyone is doing in their homes in the neighborhood or anyone else's neighborhood. That is sickening.

My husband is not supportive of me, never has been. He is oblivious to what is going on around him. His mother takes things out of my home, knowing good and well that it doesn't belong to her, like my dishware for one thing, and a lot of the items that my children acquired through her while they were growing up. She now has most of those items back in her home.

They decorated my house while my husband and I worked. I didn't even think for a moment then that they were nasty and unkind. They even tell me to leave and I am the one married to the son. I can't take it no more. One, or both, or I have to leave. What do you say I should do. Sad in Maryland, always.:(

[Tuxgal]

Wow...quite the situation your in. I think you really need to sit down with your husband and tell him you really need to get his support on this. Tell him how his relatives are making you feel. That as much as you appreciate your m-i-l helping with the mortgage right now, you feel that does not give her the right to stick her nose into everything that is going on. Ideally, you and your husband need to talk to his mom and aunt together. If he won't support you, then your going to have to talk to them yourself. Do it in such a matter that you don't jeoperdize your mother-in-law's support. But tell her it's a hectic time right now and you and your husband really need some time alone. If the aunt wants to hang up whenever you answer, I'd always answer the phone whenever possible. She'll have to talk to you eventually. Good luck, I hope it works out. I'm sorry for your husband's illness. We're here if you need to talk.

[audreycsmith]

Hello ATLF Members:

Dilemining again, yes I am: Did I write this before? If not, I should have. That is why I joined ATLF. I love giving advice, do very badly about listening to it, but this one is so serious, that it must be mentioned. I thought of writing to talk show hosts, but usually you never get the answer you are seeking. So I asks for your help now.

Long story short:

I am unhappy in my marriage, yet committed (being Catholic and all).

Mother of two beautiful young women.

Husband is committed to his family; his mother, his brother.

The two of them don't leave us alone.

They are calling or stopping by everyday for almost 25 years now. The mother still tells her son what to do, and she tells my children what to do. She doesn't respect anything I say. I feel a lot of times like I am Lady Di.
(You all are saying, what is taking you so long to get an answer to this, right now, aren't you)?

I have written and called people. Everyone tells me to tell them to stay out of our marriage, but when I do tell them, they don't listen.

They come into our home without even waiting for someone to open the door.
(They even have keys).

My husband and his brother own our home, but my husband paid all the bills for 25 years. My husband is undergoing chemo treatments right now, and his mother is paying the mortgage. Our children and I pay the utilities.

If I leave my husband, temporarily, now that the children are grown, would I still get anything financially from the sale of our home or from his retirement, when the times comes? He is 57 years of age right now.

Everyday we argue, and our children have to hear it. It is a sad situation.

Someone or all please respond to this. I need some help now.

[audreycsmith]

And thanks Mr. Tux for answering me. You give good advice. I love reading your threads. Yes, I am unhappy, still in the same rut. One time I even choked my mother in law when she informed me that she doesn't have to leave, that half of her other son's half is hers. She can be a true "b" sometimes. She is not like any mother in law or grandmother I have ever known. She gets too involved in our relationship, and I get frustrated about it. She even took one of our children out of our home and raised her until she was 15. I pleaded for my husband to bring my child home, but he didn't do it. When we got her on the weekends, all we did was spent time going to and fro to different extracurricular activities that my mother in law had her in. It was a true drain on both my husband and me.

Anyway it is 2007. If this year doesn't change, I am moving onward with my life. Twenty five years of family abuse is too long for me.

Have a great day.

[Tuxgal]

Umm...I answered you....I'm not a Mr anything last I checked. lol