Confused and frustrated

[BBArmygf]

OKay, where to begin, (im sorry this is so long) um me and brandon met about a year and two months ago. He had just got back from Iraq (hes an Army Ranger) and we hit it off as friends. He was getting ready to get re deployed so we had no intentions of being anything more. But about two weeks before he left he asked me to be his gf. So we decided to be together. HE is still in iraq and in August he asked me to marry him. (Yes i know at only 20 it was kinda crazy) but circumstances made it seem like a good idea. Well everything was going great. We planned to get married in February when he gets back. Well about a week ago when i talked to him he seemed a little depressed and like something was bothering him so i asked him what was wrong. He said he didnt see how me and him were gonna work out. He had signed for Delta Force (and i dont know who is familiar with that or not but its a special ops that is used for very classified and emergency type situations) Its like the rangers only Delta Force is at more risk. Anyway, so he started goin on about how he was never goin to be home and that he didnt think it was ever gonna work out for me and him. Said that this was his worse tour (also his third) that hes ever had because when he goes out on patrol and stuff he thinks about things with me and him and its almost got him killed a few times because he wasnt concentrating on his work. Said he couldnt handle it right now. But then said he still wanted to be friends. And that if i was single when he got done with combat that he would be with me. Well a couple days later he said that we didnt break up were in between. (whatever that means) and that he still loves me hes still not going to cheat on me. And now everyhting is back to the same as it was before only now he considers us friends but yet he still doesnt want me goin out as if i was single. Its like he wants to be together without the title. I was thinking maybe hes being like this because the title scares him or maybe that without him thinking about the title he doesnt think about us as much when hes out. I dont know. Im really confused so if anybody has any input please share. I dont mind criticizm i just want your honest opinions. I can handle it. Thankyou. And again im sorry that it is so long.

[Lewski711]

I think it's got to be hard to try and guess all that's going through his head. he's seeing and going through things that many of could never imagine. And, trying to create a long-distance, long-term relationship on top of that really can wear him down mentally.

If you had already established yourself as a strong and committed couple before he'd left, I think that could definitely be helpful. He'd know what he'd been missing, and would be longing to get back to the way life was. But, with you two just starting out, you're still establishing yourselves as a couple. Not only are you doing this thousands of miles apart, but while he's in combat.

He may be confused a bit right now, not sure he knows what he wants, not sure he knows how all of this will end. It sounds like he really cares for you, but doesn't want to commit for fear of losing focus or maybe you getting hurt if something happens to him.

Have you considered calling the shots? Maybe you need to tell him what the relationship is, so he can focus on his call to duty. What if you told him that when he gets back, you guys can start fresh. When his duty is over, you guys will take all the time you can to get caught back up and fall in love again, but until then, you are not a couple. You don't want him focusing on you during combat. Maybe you'll continue to communicate, but more on a friendly basis. If he wants more, tell him when he gets home, you can look into that, but for now, he needs to focus on him.

I don't know. What do you think?

[BBArmygf]

well i think you are right in alot of what you said. But its hard because we still have strong feelings for each other. I dont know if i could handle talking to him as just friends. And i dont want anyone else. He feels the same way. Otherwise i would just tell him we can be friends until he gets done. But him getting done is years ahead. I have school im gonna do also but its still gonna be hard for me to just be friends all that time when we both know the feelings are still there especially when he still tells me he loves and misses me. Am i making any sense?

[darkdreams]

Hello. Its tough to be in your place. In a way I find that he is right in what he is saying, like he doesnt want to tie you down to him ,with him being away all the time. He is probably thinking about how unfair he is to you and that you have the right to have a life of your own, to have some fun. Try seeing it from his point of view....

[BBArmygf]

i actually just got pointed in teh direction to look into PTSD and after looking into it i found that he has all but one symptom adn i really think that is whats going on with him. Lately things have been better. But i think when he gets home we are gonna have to sit and tlak about alot of things. But not until he gets home because i dont want him thinking about it while hes over there. thanks for your replies.

[audreycsmith]

You are in between a heart throb and a nutshell. You must pick your moment on this one. Do you have love feelings for this man or are you happy that someone is in a so-called relationship with you. As my father would tell me when I was married to a service man, "Never call it quits to a man that is in the service." So, if he is an up and down man, as described in your letter message, keep things as he wants it. A guilt feeling will be on you if you switch up in anyway than what he wants of you. It will be hard for you, you will want to call it quits forever, but remember, you will be messing up his trust and love for any woman he meets after you. Do you want to be that person to mess up his love for any woman he chooses in the future? In the meantime, you are young. You have to be happy for yourself, as well as trying to make someone else happy. I thought I had problems, but yours is one that is going to drive you crazy in the end. Keep up the contacts with him though. Where he is and where he is headed is a lonely and painful thing. Those guys serving for our country are young people, forced to be grown and destined to die if our country doesn't bring all of them home soon. Good luck to you and I will be writing to you real soon. Bye for now, AudreyCSmith

[Lewski711]

I'm glad you decided to hold off and talk to him when he returns. And, if it looks like PTSD, then that's something else you can help him with. If there are others of you out there who have dated someone in the service, maybe you can offer your two cents, also.

[BBArmygf]

Thankyou both for your replies. They really are greatly appreciated. Means alot to me. :)

[like2play]

I think he sounds like maybe he is scared and confused. maybe he is afraid of how much you will be hurt if something happens to him, and not being able to focus because he is thinking of the two of you, thats probably something new to him since you are just starting out, before he had a job to think about, not a love. I say hang in there:)

[lovelovelove]

BBArmygf, I live in an area of Canada that is home to several military bases. No matter where I go, I always see the army trucks on the highway, or men in army fatigues picking up coffee before going to work. That being said, I have a lot of friends with boyfriends and husbands in the military.

I have a friend who was pretty much in the same situation as you. While it was hard on her, they are engaged now and just bought a house.

He really needed to focus on what he was doing on his tour in Afghanistan. He's in recon, which I'm sure you know is extremely dangerous. He turned his head just as his best friend/roomate and 3 other very close friends were blown up from a Taliban bomb. He was the one who had to 'clean it up'. It's very sad because these men don't take advantage of the therapy that is available to them, and they should. I really think the majority of them do suffer from PTSD. After his tour was over, he flew with his gf to visit his family and fell asleep on the plane. He woke up and asked quite loudly 'Where's my gun?!'

I think it's hard for any of us to imagine what's going through their minds, or to even try to comprehend what they've seen, but I think the best thing for us to do is be patient. I commend you for waiting until he gets home. I think things will be more clear at that point as there won't be any immediate stress from danger to his life or those of his friends. I know it's hard, but just support him. When he gets home, if he feels the same way, then I think you should take it in another direction.