I want to be with him so much help?

[hamster]

Hi, im kinda in need of some advice...

To cut a long story short ive been with my bf for a year and 7 months and it has been very turbulant at times. We both love each other very very much but my bf always had problems forgetting the past (unfortunately some of the past kinda creeped in when we were first meeting) I didn't help myself by lying about a few things not because I wanted to lie and hurt him but more because I was ashamed of things I have done and didnt want him to be any more ashamed of me. So weve tried to work things out so many times but this time im scared he wants our break to be forever.

He told me that it was just as much his fault for not letting things go as much as it is mine for keeping things from him. I am very grateful for the fact that he still loves me but its because of this that im really struggling to cope. Hes the kind of guy that doesnt know what to do when someones upset so im trying so hard not to ring him etc. Ive done pretty well fighting my urges apart from the odd txt ive sent and an email at first to explain my feelings.

I know hes right about our problems and that we shouldnt argue the way we do but I cant help loving him so much and wanting to do everything so save us. Im truely in love with this man and I know he love me so much too. Weve just spent time travelling together and ive done so much with him I cant let him just leave my life, especially when i know this is not what he wants. To top it off hes having a birthday party in 2 weeks and im so scared about it, i really want to go so i can see him but i dont want to get upset there. He said he wants me there, surely this is a sign he still wants me?

Sorry if it sounds all muddled, its just the way im feeling right now. Im really strong when it comes to fighting together but without him i feel so weak.

Do I call him and talk to him?

[**Sapphire**]

WELCOME to ATLF! Glad that you joined us & decided to post! :hello: You will see that this is a very friendly, caring community of people! :)

I'm sorry that you are going through some rough times right now with your boyfriend. My best advice to you would be to give him a call. Maybe even meet somewhere, that way you 2 can talk face to face. Get it all out in the open, let him know some of what you typed to us here. How you love him, don't want to lose him etc.. Maybe it will help & you 2 won't break-up.

Best of luck to you! :)

[Pink]

Hi Hamster and welcome to ATLF! :hello:

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Is there anyway you two could get together and talk face to face? To me, it seems as though the communication is not that great here. It sounds like you both could work this out if you want to be together. If not I wouldn't go to his party. I think that would only make matters worse.

[hamster]

thanks for the advice only prob is i know im going to have trouble getting him to meet me its almost as if if i tell him how much i love him to his face he is scared that he will change his mind and wanna get back with me, obv this is not a bad thing but from our breaks in the past he feels kinda silly when we get back because he initiated the break

[hamster]

im glad your advice seems so supportive i was dreading the typical..get rid of him move on comments. I think maybe not going to his party would actually make it worse ive invited a few ppl which he knows through me and i think they would be apprehensive me not being there etc wouldnt want him to blame me for ppl not going

[Pink]

If he will not meet you then I'd leave him alone especially if he initiated the break up. TBH, I wouldn't want someone playing those "games" with me.

[hamster]

im not sure as its so much games but i usually really struggle not to cry in this situations and i dont think he wants that if we meet up

[Pink]

im glad your advice seems so supportive i was dreading the typical..get rid of him move on comments. I think maybe not going to his party would actually make it worse ive invited a few ppl which he knows through me and i think they would be apprehensive me not being there etc wouldnt want him to blame me for ppl not going

Well I'm sure you didn't know this was going to happen when you invited your friends. Sorry you don't want to hear the dreaded things, but sometimes it's for the better. :)

[**Sapphire**]

Well if he won't meet you maybe you 2 can have a long talk over the phone? Air everything out, whether you 2 stay together or not, but at least get the chance to talk.

If he doesn't want to do that, I really don't see any other way of trying to talk to him. An email, IM isn't always the best idea as too much can be mis-read when reading them.

[hamster]

sounds good i will try to call him later on and keep things light and not to intense, even if we dont talk about us, its a start right?

[~Teej~]

If I was you I wouldn't go to the party..I wouldn't like to be in the awkward situation..I would just wait and talk to him another time.

[aussiecoffee007]

talking is always a start... and perhaps eventually you can calmly get to the stuff about you guys.

[hamster]

ok thought I would update you...so I left it quite late in the evening and finally managed to press the call button we chatted casually for a min or so, I didnt bring anything up but it was him who initiated conversation about us.

We spoke about if we had told anyone (particulary parents) my mums the kind of mum that gets really involved and im not ready for her smothering me just yet and I told him this to which he replied..Just tell her were having a break and then if we do get back together things wont be difficult......my heart skipped...was that a sign of hope? I didnt dwell on it because that will just make him feel uneasy but the fact he actually said this has given me reassurance. Anyway I started to get a little upset so told him id speak to him again soon.

When i came off the phone i was really worried that Id ruined things by getting upset so i just sent him a txt saying that i hope i hadnt made things harder for him, to which he replied..when are you going to realise you havent hurt me!You havent done anything wrong you were an amazing gf it just wasn't working x. I just want to say him to him look I will help you to get rid of these thoughts no matter what it takes but I dont want to seem to desperate and in his face.

Others may see it differently but I really think he still loves me, just as much as before all this but he is struggling to get rid of his bad thoughts and because of this is runnning away from us?

[daisychip]

I guess I'm confused about what it IS you have been trying to work out. I understand the lying on your part but what are the bad thoughts he is not letting go of? Things to do with you, before you or both? I'm sorry I don't understand. I wish I could say 'something' but I just don't know what.

[hamster]

Both really, things before him that he doesnt like i guess wouldnt have been so bad if i hadnt lied about stuff. Its just really difficult because everytime we go somewhere theres some sort of reminder for example, I got into a dodgy situation about 8 months before I was with him when I used to go proper night clubbing, hanging around with ppl that wern't good for me going to afterparty's etc and I even slept with someone I didnt really like because of the state i was in, so when we got together I put that all behind me but for example we went to a friends the night we split up where a girl recognised me from clubbing and it just causes bad thoughts, the guy i slept with also tried ringing me none stop when i was round his one weekend. I tried to keep it quite so I could tell the guy to leave me alone then explain to my bf who it was that kept ringing but unfortunately he saw a txt on my phone before I had the chance and it looked bad on my part. Its easy to say my bf is being irritaional but its little things I have kept from him that have disrupted it all, but the things I have done have been foolish mistakes that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to.

[daisychip]

Thanks hamster..........that makes it a lil clearer for me.

Trust issues are very hard to get past it's true. Sadly it's something you can't make happen. All you can do is to lay it all on the table (I trust you have) and ask what exactly your bf would like for you to do to help him to trust in you......and do it. After that it's on him. If he is not able to put faith in you, I'm sorry to say that you really don't have a choice but to let him go.

The problem with what you have described and are taking most of the blame for the fall of your relationship is that, at some point hamster, you have to decide that you have "paid for your sins" long enough and have to forgive yourself and move on. He has to realise that he has not been the only one hurt by the events of the past and it's time for you both to live in the present and what is and not back then.

I can't understand why he would say that you haven't hurt him and have been an amzing gf but it just wasn't working. What is HIS reason for it not working? I have a guess but I would really like to hear from you so that I don't offend you if I'm wrong. I don't want to do that!!

Time to forgive yourself and forget the stuff if you've made changes and no more of the lies or hiding things is happening anymore.

[hamster]

he said to me that basically, when we get on were amazing together but when we fall out its really hard to cope with because when he feels bad stuff it makes him take it out on me and he doesnt want to do that and it makes him not wanna be with me. Its ok offer your opinion.

[Tony]

I can honestly say that with him not wanting to be with you when you both have a fall out is an excuse.
I am not saying he does not love you but with love it pays to talk through good and bad times together.

love is a two way street and running when things get tough does not help at all.
to me what ever happened in the past when you were not with him should stay in the past.
just may be your bf needs to think of the now factor and not the oh gee what did she do before I was with her.

[hamster]

i guess it wouldnt be so hard if there are constant reminders everywhere. If its not one person we see its someone else. I would fight for it, I want us to work together, I would go to relationship councelling if it was needed.

I really am begginning to struggle getting through the days. Ive just come back from travelling so I dont really have a job. Ive applied to so many places for so many things just to get some money coming in, I received a letter this morning to say I hadnt been accepted for a shop assistant role in claires accessories as a temp over christmas! I have qualifications and Im a hard working girl and I cant even get a job that pays £4.91 an hour. Its really not the kind of thing I wanna hear right now especially when the person I usually tell my concerns to isnt here for me anymore. Only last week I was telling him depressed I was with the job situation and I thanked him for his support to which he told me it was his pleasure and he wished he could help more...im so lost

[lilcupid]

Big hugs to you Hamster. Have faith you will find a job. As hard as it is when something isn't going right in our lives eg relationships etc, we all tend to lose a little hope more then normal.
I agree with Tony though. Love is a two way street. What happened in either of your pasts is exactly that. Your past. Both of you should be able to work together as a couple and live in the present. We all have done something in the past we may or may not regret. But it's not fair for someone you care about to hold that above your head.
It is our experiences in life that develop us as a person. It's part of living and learning. When you met someone you either accept all of them or let them go. There is no in between!

[hamster]

Im not a horrible person, I dont mean to hurt ppl and Im not going to put blame on other things anymore for my past. I hate it just as much as him, it kills me, but Ive got so much love to give him, I do everything I can for him im like a little wife to him and I want to be. I wanna be rid of my past because I care about my future, Ive learnt from what I have done and Its now clear to me what I want in life. If only I could help him forget i really wish I could

[Tony]

I am glad that you are here hamster because as you are talking to us I hope this helps with you being depressed.

In one way he is telling you one thing and doing another by saying he needs a break
that is not helping you at all.

it sounds a bit like he does not care about your concerns and that bothers me.

in my opinion he needs to be your rock and he is not again I find that sad.
the love you have for him goes without question I honestly can not say the same for him.

I am sorry to hear that you received the letter this morning I hope that some work will come your way soon.

[hamster]

I do understand what your saying but, I just feel that if he didnt love me that much then the stuff we do wouldnt be how it is. For example weve just travelled America for 6 weeks, he bought me a bracelet while we were out there, and he also told me how he loved me so much and i meant the world to him. Only last Tuesday was he telling me he missed me while he was at work. The thing that is hardest is knowing when and when not to contact him. Fighting the urges is so hard. I really wish I could see him tonight, I would give anything but im too scared to push him away

[Tony]

my question to you then hamster is if he does love you so much why does he need a break form you ?

is he just telling you what you want to hear when you are together to see what he can get from you ?
( I hope not )

if he listens to others and just get mad at you for that he is not putting you first
I do think that you need to talk to him face to face you need to know from him what he wants out of your relationship or even if there will still be a relationship.
May be stop fighting the urges and give him a call and let him know you need to talk to him if he says yes you will know he wants to see you but if he says no to seeing him you will know where you stand.

you are fighting inside yourself and that is not good thing.

[hamster]

the main reason he wont want to meet is because i get upset and he doesnt want me to be upset esp if were in a public place. But if we do go somewhere like a pub its easier for me to fight the urges than if were alone. Do you think i am pushing it, we only split on friday?

[hamster]

p.s cheers for everyones comments it really has helped me being able to talk on here

[Tony]

no I don't think you are pushing at all, you have alot of unanswered questions

for what ever reason you do get upset he should be with you to help you get over being upset and he needs to be honest with you

I would not walk out on my partner for being upset no matter where we are.

[hamster]

just wanted to show you lot this...this was about 5 weeks ago when we were in vegas on our tour. http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b233/hammi_poop87/CONVAR129.jpg

I will try to call him again then later on and see what happens

[Tony]

thanks for sharing the pic with us :)
calling him could be a good idea please keep us posted with his response :thumb:

[hamster]

I prob wont call him til I know he's in from work. No distractions then. Im praying he will meet me...If i really thought we had nothing left I would just let him go but im convinced there is so much left for us.

[Tony]

yeah calling him when he is away from work is a good idea.

I also hope that he does meet with you if he does think anything of you he will.

I hope he feels the same way as you do

[**Sapphire**]

I'm in agreement with Tony here hamster. Calling him & having him meet you somewhere public or even at home is the best idea. You 2 need to get EVERYTHING out on the table.

Personally & I hope that you don't get offended, I think his excuse of possibly not wanting to meet you because you get upset is WEAK! Of course you are going to get upset, you have feelings, emotions & the subject that you 2 will be talking about (your relationship & whether or not to continue it) IS an emotional thing to talk about.

I would say when you call him, he uses that excuse again & he doesn't want to meet up, that would be a determining factor in how he really feels about you & also that he's really not committed in talking about everything & possibly being together again.

Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but if he truly did love you & deep down wanted to make things work & talk things out with you. He would meet you anywhere & talk things out, see if it all can be worked out. He doesn't seem to want to do that, so to ME it seems that he just may not be as committed to the relationship as you are. I could be wrong & I really do hope I am wrong, but only time & he coming out to meet & talk with you will tell.

Best of luck to you! :)

[Mixed]

hamster i am going through this too. I feel silly because I keep taking him back without making him feel bad for leaving me ((i'm not saying its a bad thing, but sometimes he might take advantage of the fact that i'm always there for him)). How about putting your feelings into words and giving it to him in the pub? That way you can tell him how you feel exactly and see his reaction in front of you and know when/if he misreads anything. I think it's better than an email.

Also, you need to think about what hurts more. Staying with him or leaving him? Are you hurting him when you're together? Is he hurting you? Not physically, but mentally. Are you forced to be with him just because you're weak without him. Everyone's weak after being with a person for so long, but in the end, you'll get stronger. If you're both hurting each other, then is it worth it? How long will you both be able to take it?

About the trust, you should tell him EVERYTHING ((I'm not saying you haven't)) but apologize and don't blame anyone ((don't let him make you feel guilty)) because it's going to make things worse. If he can't get past it and keeps thinking about it or not trusting you, then you should ask him and ask yourself if there's any chance that this might pass and he might regain his trust in you completely. Otherwise, believe me, it's not worth it. As much as it's good when you're with him, it's better off for you in the long run. It doesn't mean you can't be friends or bf/gf but if there's no trust there's nothing ((that's what I believe))

[hamster]

I understand what both of you is saying and yes we do sometimes hurt each other when things come up because we both get mad. I suppose we have never really worked out what we do when we feel upset and how we can let the other one know without causing disruption. I had a feeling that he was going to do this so I wrote a short poem saying exactly how I felt it was probably one of the most emotional things ive ever written and I could tell he was upset to, his eyes were really shining as if to fight tears and he said in this trembling voice what can I say to that. It all happened when we met up last fri you see, he did say to me...dont you think im sitting here thinking what the hell am i doing, but i just dont know what to do anymore.......Im a broken person I really am, it is hard and I suppose if this was permanent then eventually I will learn to live my life again but its so hard to imagine things without him, we were part of each others furniture.

[hamster]

any suggestions on how i should word this afternoons phone call?

[daisychip]

Your bf is a runner hamster. :bolt: I'm not saying that to sound bad for him, he just doesn't know how to deal with conflict and will take the loss before trying to make things work. Although he may be one that thinks the fighting just isn't worth it, I'm sure he probably only thinks that when he sees conflict on the way. And the more you guys fight about the same things, the easier it is for him to validate his feeling. As Tony said, he's making it worse for himself....and you.

Tell him you want to be with him but he has to stop running. That you take responsibility for your part in the problems but now he has to take responsibility for his. You are willing to be there even if you both backstep sometimes but he has to as well. Taking a stand on not letting the past issues be issues anymore should tell him that it is ok for him and you to move on from them and go forward. It should also say that even his silly actions are ok and you both can grow and find more maturity in your relationship.

But don't be there to take him back like mixed was saying w/o him having to be to blame as well. It's time for one of you to to grow 'first' and show the other it's ok to find out what you were dooing wasn't the best and it's ok to do something different. Be strong in wanting change, so that he understands it's time.

[hamster]

Hi Well, I thought I would update you all...I finally plucked up the courage to call and after the 3 time of not answering i gave up, shortley after he called me back to see what was up and I asked him to meet me.

He wasnt mad at me but he just said it wouldnt help me to move on...so now I know his feelings are forever, it was tense for a while and i tried not to cry but i just couldnt help it. I put the phone down and just felt such an a*se for getting all worked up like i did, its clear that he does wanna be with me but just cant get over everything and really doesnt believe it will ever go away.

I felt really shi**y for the way I had acted and some may say I shouldnt have but I called him back and just said I was sorry I had gotten worked up. He told me it was ok and he wasn't mad what so ever he just doesnt want it to be any harder for either of us, I explained how i felt but that I was going to try and respect his wishes, and he softened up a little bit on me saying you know if I thought we could be together I wouldnt be doing this. We had a little joke about a few things, I had ordered some balloons etc for his birthday so I told him about them and said I would give them to him to which he said well you can still do them if you want, I said..only if you want me to..to which he said, why wouldnt I, just because were not bf and gf anymore doesnt mean that I want nothing to do with you. So we chuckled about a few things and he said well il talk to you nearer the time about the party stuff anyway. I said Love you and he actually said you too, So that is how it has been left....

So mixed emotions right now, part of me just wants to dive under a bus because im so upset and dont want to be without him, but the other part of me is thinking well hes told you know atleast you know and its time to rebuild your self as a single person again.....I know some may say I should never let him back in my life but I know that he will always have a very very special place in my heart, hes brought me through so much and I do pray so much one day we will get to share our love again.

And despite the thoughts against the party I am going to go and show that I can still have a good time and im going to make dam sure I look a million dollars:-)

Thanks for all your help guys, I will keep you updated over the next few weeks with my emotional progress and any other neccessary's xxx

[Tony]

I am sorry he has treated you like this hamster
I know that you still love him but I would not waist my time on him he is only thinking of himself here.
as for a relationship with him down the track I would not give him the chance to break your heart again as I think he would if you did become bf & gf again.

thank you for keeping us posted
we are here for you hamster either on the forum if you wish to talk or via a private message ( PM ).

[~Teej~]

Hi Hamster...I have been following your story...I haven't replied before because you have been getting such good advice from everyone else so I haven't felt like I needed to.

There is one thing that I can't understand from what you have been going through..Why do you keep on blaming yourself for the way you have acted...You don't have anything to feel bad about...What happened in your past is nothing to do with your ex...Yes you made mistakes but this wasn't when you was with him and so how could he keep bringing this into your relationship.

I don't understand why he made such an issue of it...For him to make you feel like you have done all these wrong things as well and to make you feel so bad about yourself..Aaaaahhhh he does make me mad

He is acting like a baby..Why would you want to waste more time on a man like this?.

You are free of him now..Please focus yourself on getting over him and not trying to get him back.

I agree with Daisy he is a runner. Even if you get him back will he ever be over this whole " Issue " ??

I don't think so..Please focus on finding a better man, they are out there and once you have found him you will wonder why you ever wanted to be with this one in the first place.

Good luck hun..Whatever happens remember we will always be here for you

[lilcupid]

I have to agree with Teej. You have nothing to feel bad about and should not blame yourself for how he feels about your past. No one has the right to judge you especially someone you have been or are with. All too much we all judge ourselves harshly (I know I do) and that in its self can be soul destroying let alone when someone else does it. If someone loves you there is no judgment made...they love you for everything you are. Your past is what has helped create the person you are today. The good and the bad. NEVER EVER allow someone who most likely has made their own mistakes in their past make you feel that you should apologise!!! I can promise you this. As times goes on and the pain isn't as harsh you will realise just how unfair he has treated you. And you will met someone who will love you unconditionally :)

[hamster]

Thanks for all your comments ppl.

I understand how you guys see it and I have thought it now and then but its just I kept so much from him and lied and that really made it so much worse than if I just told him.

I know you might think Im crazy but he really does have a very special place in my heart and always will do, he did some amazing things while we were together and I really do genuinly believe he loves me, he just has no confidence when it comes to sorting things out, to be fair its not the first time weve fell out over this so I suppose there has to come a point where we have to say its not going to work anymore. He runs away from a lot of things even silly things, which while I was with him I would always push him to sort out. We have made a massive impact on each others lives.

I did just send a txt last night kinda like my last one before I begin the mental torture just saying good night to which he replied...good night to you to, things will get better i promise, my feelins for you wont change, just the way i show them.

Well my plan is not to contact him now atall until he contacts me about his bday which will prob be about this time next week, I guess we will see whether he misses me or not by then?!

I guess im just love sick and I feel kinda stupid for feeling so dependant. I dont always get on with my parents that well and he understood this and always helped me through difficult times....anyway im going to stop now otherwise I will self destruct. Thank you for all your advice, I hope someday I can help you all too. Im sure il be back :-)

[Mixed]

he's stringing you along. i mean why would he tell you "my feelings for you won't change" and then not want to be with you. For you to get over him, he can't do that. Play with your feelings and make you have hope and then just *boom* lay it on you at once. You can stay friends with him, sometimes, exes make AMAZING friends btw, but he has to stop talking about his feelings and admits that you guys aren't together. I dunno if you get me and I might've sounded harsh so I'm sorry if I did


((hugs you))

[Tony]

hamster what I think is if you do genuinely believe he does love you I think that you need to ask yourself a few questions
1) why is he not with you now ? ( I do not call what he is doing to you now love at all )
2) why does he run when things get tough ? ( he thinks of himself and not you )
3) if you did get back together again will this happen again ? ( one word YES )
the biggest step now is moving on and try to put him out of your mind.
I honestly think you can get a man that will treat you like a Princess.
that is what your bf should be doing not running every second things get tough

I would also suggest that you stop blaming yourself it takes two to make a relationship and one to break it and that what he has done.

we all have faults but you work through them together

[**Sapphire**]

I agree 100% with what Tony typed to you hamster. Those are good questions & 1's that you really do need to ask yourself & have a good think about them as well hun.

No matter that you lied to him in the past, you have taken steps to stop it. He is not giving you the benefit of the doubt to see for himself that you have changed. Instead he does run away when things get tough. He can't handle anything that isn't "happy go lucky" all the time. That is HIS problem & HIS hang up hun, not yours. Also, it has nothing to do with you that he can't deal in "reality". Don't beat yourself up for mistakes you have made either in your past or while you were with him. NOBODY is perfect hun! I'm sure everyone of us here have made mistakes, believe me I know I have made my share of them too.

I also agree that he needs to stop telling you how he feels about you, but you 2 can't be together. All that is doing is destroying you inside little bit by little. He gives you hope when he tells you he loves you, but then he dashes that hope when he says you 2 can't be together, not only that it confuses you.

Best thing is to not contact him as you told us you won't. You need to get yourself back on track & start healing your heart & head from the rollercoaster ride this man has taken you on for a while now.

We are all here for you through this time, know that you can come back here whenever you need to, to vent, cry or just chat with us, we are here for you. :)

[daisychip]

I'm sorry hamster that you have to go through this! I have to disagree with everyone else to the extent that I do think he can love you but by being a runner, he just doesn't have the tools to love you the way he should. If you were still giving him reason to not trust in you then I could understand the leaving but since you say he does that over silly things, that says he hasn't been 'taught' how to work things out or that he's had alot of the same in the past and isn't willing to take the chance on it being any different or trying to work it.

It's sad really but you have to know this..........if he is not willing to take the chance then you simply have no other choice than to let him be, just as you have decided to do. You have done what you could to try to make him feel better but honestly, with the lack of knowledge he has, it wouldn't make any difference no matter what would have happened concerning the lies. There didn't even need to be that issue and you would still be going through this only a different issue. Runners are runners until they decide to stop and learn how to stay.

I hope you will find ease in moving beyond this relationship and realise that your "mistakes" didn't really have anything to do with the outcome. Wishing you beautiful dreams!