Advice on Modern Romance - First Dates

[Davey Crockett]

What should be the simple pleasure of getting to know another human being can sometimes buckle under the weight of unrealistic expectations and the baggage of previous relationships.

Here are some tips to consider when dating:

- No matter how wonderful your date is compared with the schmucks you've been seeing (or married to) do not tell him that he is a nice guy.

- A shared sense of humor is important. Try to bring laughter to the date. Try to get a laugh out of the guy. That way you know you've got something. If he doesn't get your jokes what else is he going to "get" about you?

- Be yourself.

People sometimes try too hard to impress. If they just relax a little, the date will go better and they will not have to worry about any of those little embellishments backfiring later on.

- The worst thing people do on first dates is lie. They are trying to improve their status so you will be interested in them.

- Do not give up.

But if things do not go well be prepared. Take your cell phone along on the date. A discreet call to a friend can help you engineer an early end to the date.

- If you are meeting someone you know only through a personal ad or an online dating service be sure to go to a place with plenty of other people around. And do not blab out your whole life story on the first date. Keep it general: music, books, movies.

- There is a difference between first dates and the first face-to-face contact with someone you connect with through a dating service or ad. That is a meeting to assess each other, not a date.

- If you are comfortable and seem to be compatible set up a date to spend more time together.

- Remember that the first date is supposed to be fun. You are getting to know this person and he is getting to know you. It should not be something that feels like a meeting with your boss.

- Look for something creative and make sure it allows you to interact. It will help if the activity relates to a shared interest, such as art or music.

- Doing something you enjoy takes the pressure off.

- Women sometimes crank up the pressure because of the hope that this guy is "the One". Slow down; it's just a date.

- Have realistic expectations about a first date. Some people start planning their wedding and others expect the worst.

- Have a specific plan. Do not leave things up to chance. Flexibility is nice but it reduces anxiety to know what to expect in terms of activity and how to dress.

- If the date goes well do not hang on until the wee hours of the morning. There will likely be a next time.

- If the date is a dud do not make any promises you will not keep. Do not be encouraging if you feel no interest in further socializing. Do be honest and say you feel there is not a basis for anything other than friendship and let your date take it from there.

Pick yourself up and move on. There are 110 million single adults in the United States alone.

- Give your date a chance. Take the time to listen and look for their special qualities.

The Number One mistake people make on first dates is to judge the other person too quickly and harshly. Always keep an open mind. There is so much to discover about a person.

[c_thina00]

Yeah first date is really freaky, I mean, a lot of things ruined your mind, but you should control it, just be yourself, just don't be shy to say something so you won't feel uncomfortable, If she/he is shy, well its time for you to break the ice and make her/him the center of the conversation!

[typingdancingqueen]

Alright I found that long post above very interesting on what to do and what not to do on a first date. I have a question here, and maybe later I'll have another question as I tend to differ on some of the points made. First of all, just why should a girl NOT tell a guy that he is a nice guy?

[seoboost]

An example of a first date: You had talked to a person quite awhile either on the phone or at work or wherever you may have known the person from. You have already got to know them quite well and you really like them. You think they are real cute and a lot of fun to be with. You really like them a lot and they seem to like you as well. Then you go out to eat. They do not open up your car door. They get lost on the way to the movies and you don't even get to the movie theatre. Instead of going to the movies like they said they'd take you to, they take you to some fast food restaurant and you don't even like that sort of food. You both order your meals separately and you get to pay for your food yourself, even though they are the ones that had asked you out and you had thought the date was to a movie. You get frustrated. You eat your food. You both are quiet on the way home driving. You're tired on the way home driving, as you two live a few hours away. Then you wonder if you will talk to them on the phone or in person again. Surprisingly you do but you just aren't as interested in them as you were before. You see them at the place that you usually saw them at. You see them now as a real person and could care less how cute they are. They are talking to some other person and you are fed up. What do you think happens next?

[smackie9]

you two don't go out again.....that is the whole thing about dating, seeing if you are right for each other. Better luck next time.

[Myzyri]

I agree with some and disagree with others... My comments below...


- No matter how wonderful your date is compared with the schmucks you've been seeing (or married to) do not tell him that he is a nice guy.

Why not?

- A shared sense of humor is important. Try to bring laughter to the date. Try to get a laugh out of the guy. That way you know you've got something. If he doesn't get your jokes what else is he going to "get" about you?

I don't agree at all. Maybe you're just not funny. Or maybe he has a more highly developed sense of humor. Or a less evolved sense of humor. You never know. I've dated women who didn't understand or appreciate my jokes, but we still had great times together.

- Be yourself.

Agreed. Keeps you from having to explain your lies later.

People sometimes try too hard to impress. If they just relax a little, the date will go better and they will not have to worry about any of those little embellishments backfiring later on.

I think everyone allows the "white lies" to pass since everyone's a little bit full of crap on a first date (and PILES of crap if you met on the internet). So, I'd say that you can embellish, but if you plan on telling a huge lie, you'd better rethink that. I met a chick online once and she was just awesome. Great personality, great sense of humor, we had tons in common, etc. She told me she was "pretty thin, but I've definitely got some extra padding." She showed up and she was at least 350 pounds. You just can't pull off a lie like that...

- The worst thing people do on first dates is lie. They are trying to improve their status so you will be interested in them.

Again, white lies and small embellishment are one thing. Big fat whoppers are a totally different beast.

- Do not give up.

How could you say this considering your next point?

But if things do not go well be prepared. Take your cell phone along on the date. A discreet call to a friend can help you engineer an early end to the date.

This sucks. This is what chickens do. This is also what people do when they're too cowardly to break up with someone. You don't just make up some lie, leave, and never speak to the person again. If it's not going well and you're a traditionalist (guy pays), then you pay for dinner or whatever your current activity is and thank her for the night. If you're the girl, you offer to pay for your half of the meal (pay for HALF even if he ate like a horse and you had a breadstick, don't be a cheapass and count pennies on the bill). Then, thank him for the evening. Play off your other statement... BE HONEST. Don't give him/her some BS, just say something like, "Hey, I don't know how you're feeling, but I really don't feel any kind of a connection here." If your date isn't a complete idiot, she/he will agree. Then, you part ways having been honest, and call it a night. This way, you don't have to deal with continuing the date and you don't have to deal with any of the awkward phone calls afterwards... And you don't have to ignore those phone calls and make the person wonder, "Geez, was it something I said?"

Furthermore, you might also be able to use this tactic to loosen up. After giving the "I don't feel a connection" line and you're just not into it because you're overly nervous, you could add, "But maybe it's because it's a first date and we're awkward... Wanna NOT call this a date and still go play mini golf, go to the movie, etc.?" Once you stop being the "potential boyfriend/girlfriend" and just go out as "buddies," you might start to feel that connection.

- If you are meeting someone you know only through a personal ad or an online dating service be sure to go to a place with plenty of other people around. And do not blab out your whole life story on the first date. Keep it general: music, books, movies.

Unfortunately, with online dating, most people have already given their whole life story (and maybe even had cybersex) before meeting.

- There is a difference between first dates and the first face-to-face contact with someone you connect with through a dating service or ad. That is a meeting to assess each other, not a date.

Again, I disagree... If you say, "OK, let's meet at Starbucks" and you go there, say hi, and go home, then yes, it's a meeting to assess each other. If you meet up at Starbucks and then go out to dinner, a movie, a bar, dancing, or whatever... That's a date.

- If you are comfortable and seem to be compatible set up a date to spend more time together.

Uh... DUH! Isn't that the whole point of a first date?

- Remember that the first date is supposed to be fun. You are getting to know this person and he is getting to know you. It should not be something that feels like a meeting with your boss.

That's easy to say, but hard to do. You don't know the person very well and you don't know what might offend them. You can't just let it all hang out or else you'll scare them off. With first dates, you just need to be honest, a little reserved, and a little conservative with conversation topics. Once you get the feel of the person, it's easier to let your hair down a bit.

[Myzyri]

Ooops... I hit "Submit" on accident... Continuing on...

- Look for something creative and make sure it allows you to interact. It will help if the activity relates to a shared interest, such as art or music.

Like going to a concert or an art museum? Concerts and bars are too noisy for my liking. You don't interact... You scream at each other. Art museums are boring as hell for most guys. We can appreciate art, but very few guys will endure several hours at an art museum and be happy about it.

I think I know what you're getting at though... Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I still like the idea of miniature golf... It's corny, but it takes no skill, it involves a lot of talking, something stupid/goofy always happens which makes you laugh, and it's a lot of time that can be spent just being cutesy or "teaching" someone how to putt in an attempt to get closer. Great for physical contact because once the two people on the date get comfortable with the other person touching them, everything always seems to loosen up (I'm talking about a hand on the shoulder or wrapping arms around the other person to "teach" them how to properly putt... I'm not talking about fingering some chick on the fairway).

- Doing something you enjoy takes the pressure off.

Doing something your date enjoys shows that you're flexible and willing to try things he/she is interested in.

- Women sometimes crank up the pressure because of the hope that this guy is "the One". Slow down; it's just a date.

As a guy, I've never experienced this... Well, maybe i have... What do you mean by "crank up the pressure?" Most women I've dated have been pretty reserved and a little shy on first dates. A few are loud and outspoken, but surprisingly, those are pretty few and far between.

- Have realistic expectations about a first date. Some people start planning their wedding and others expect the worst.

Again, being honest during and after the date is helpful. If you share your feelings after the first date, you don't run the risk of the general BS like "my friend says you gotta wait 3 days before calling her after a date" or whatever. Be honest, share feelings, share the "first date experience" and you should leave the first date having a good idea of where you stand... You'll also come off as someone who has the ability o communicate feelings and ideas.

- Have a specific plan. Do not leave things up to chance. Flexibility is nice but it reduces anxiety to know what to expect in terms of activity and how to dress.

Agreed. If you're going on a date, set up a GENERALIZED plan. Don't pull some huge timetable out. Also, add in things to fill up time. For example, if you plan to go to the museum and it's got a line out to the street, have a back-up like going to Dave and Busters or a movie. (I'm not a big fan of first date movies though because it's sitting quietly... not talking and interacting.) But overall, make you date plans and have fillers or back-ups. Always have a suggestion if a plan falls through. One of the worst things that can happen on a date is "What do you want to do? I dunno... What do YOU want to do? I dunno... What do you want to do?" It makes you indecisive and it's really annoying.

- If the date goes well do not hang on until the wee hours of the morning. There will likely be a next time.

I disagree. Some of those "hanging on till the wee hours" times are the best because once everything settles down, you usually "hang on" by talking and maybe cuddling. If it's still "party time" till the wee hours, enjoy it! Don't deny yourself enjoyment in the "wee hours" just because there will be a next time.

- If the date is a dud do not make any promises you will not keep. Do not be encouraging if you feel no interest in further socializing. Do be honest and say you feel there is not a basis for anything other than friendship and let your date take it from there.

Agreed. Completely. Might I add that it's prudent to make it a point of having this conversation after the date so that you both leave knowing where you stand.

Pick yourself up and move on. There are 110 million single adults in the United States alone.

Agreed.

- Give your date a chance. Take the time to listen and look for their special qualities.

I'm on the fence with this one... If you meet and feel that there's absolutely nothing there, don't bother. Go to dinner or do one thing, and then politely end the date so that you can say you gave it a try. If you meet and you're just "iffy" about your date, then yes, give it a chance.

The Number One mistake people make on first dates is to judge the other person too quickly and harshly. Always keep an open mind. There is so much to discover about a person.

Again, I'm on the fence about this. That first meeting is all about being judgemental. If you meet someone at school or another face-to-face situation and then set up a first date, you're usually pretty well off to begin with. If you're meeting someone from the internet though, make sure you put your best foot forward. For example, I met a girl off the internet several years ago. She showed up dressed like a hobo. I just couldn't get interested in her. She may have been the nicest person in the world, but she was "dirty." She smelled like BO a little, she obviously didn't try to make herself look nice, and she was just "dumpy." I judged her quickly and I have no regrets about it. I think it all depends on the situation.

Overall, good points! I hope my comments added to the conversation...

[Myzyri]

They do not open up your car door.

If you've already hung out and you know each other, expecting him to open you car door is pretty "prissy."

Overall, I always open doors for ladies whether it's a woman I don't know or someone on a first date. I do it because it's polite. I also always do it on dates (even if it's the 50th date); HOWEVER, I've had women yell at me for doing it... "I can get my own door! I'm not some shrinking flower!"

Some women like it, some women hate it, some women don't care. While I still do it, I don't blame a guy for not doing it.

Women who "appreciate" a door being opened for them is very cool... HOWEVER, chicks who just "expect" that kind of treatment are typically prissy little wenches anyway. Usually, the girl will start opening her own door and you catch it mid-swing, but I once had a girl sit there with this "I'm a little princess look on her face" and wait for me to open the door on a first date. She was a friend's friend that I was set up with on a blind date. I got back in, told her I wasn't feeling too good about the whole date thing, drove her home, got out, opened her door, and drove off. I wanted her to know that I'd open the door for her any time I was ready to kick her out...

They get lost on the way to the movies and you don't even get to the movie theatre.

Accidents happen... Especially when you're in an unfamiliar neighborhood... I couldn't blame a guy for this because the passenger was obviously just as lost! Don't complain about someone for not being able to do something if you can't do it either!

Instead of going to the movies like they said they'd take you to, they take you to some fast food restaurant and you don't even like that sort of food.

Well, then she should have said something like, "Oh, yeah, I can't eat greasy burgers and stuff like that, it just makes me really sick..." And then suggest somewhere else... Obviously somewhere else that's inexpensive.

You both order your meals separately and you get to pay for your food yourself, even though they are the ones that had asked you out and you had thought the date was to a movie.

Oh well, neither the driver nor the passenger knew how to get to the movie, so no one is to blame. Also, no one apparently worked out the details of the financial arrangement, so that's both peoples' faults.

Beyond that, while I always believe in paying for my date, the woman should always be prepared to pay for her own. In fact, I have a hard time justifying a second date if the woman doesn't offer to pay. Of course, I don't let her pay, but having her offer is fantastic! I know she's not out for a "free meal."

Any chick who just expects the guy to pay is suffering from "princess syndrome." Yes, he SHOULD pay, in my eyes, but she should also be ready for anything because some guys just don't do that. I've gone on dates with women who REFUSED to let me pay for them and they got pissy about it...

So, basically, for all you princesses out there, you can blame the death of chivalry on your feminazi counterparts...

You get frustrated. You eat your food.

I thought you don't eat "that kind of food." Apparently, you DO eat that kind of food, but you just didn't WANT that kind of food, eh, princess?

You both are quiet on the way home driving. You're tired on the way home driving, as you two live a few hours away. Then you wonder if you will talk to them on the phone or in person again.

Why wonder? Sounds like the date sucked. He was a douche-loser and she was an over-expectant priss...

Surprisingly you do but you just aren't as interested in them as you were before. You see them at the place that you usually saw them at. You see them now as a real person and could care less how cute they are. They are talking to some other person and you are fed up.

Fed up with what? You had a lousy date... You're not talking to him anymore and he's obviously not talking to you because he's talking to some other person... Since the date sucked, what do you care? Plus, he's probably talking to someone else instead of you because he thought you were just as boring/worthless on the date as you thought he was.

What do you think happens next?

You go your separate ways and don't bother with it anymore... Lousy date... move on...

[eaglebaseball]

as far as paying, the way the girls at my school think of it is:

the girls spend all their money on clothes makeup and stuff, and spend hours getting ready, and they make themselves and the guy look good, so the guy pays for the date.

Might be a little cheesy, but hey, it kind of makes sense. There's no doubt in my mind that you could take a picture of a guy, and then take of a picture of him on a date with a girl, and he instantly looks cooler and more popular.

kind of funny when you think about it though.

[HisEyesGlimmer]

honestly i disagree with alot of it and its just my own opinion, sometiems i like it when a guy is game enough to tell me his whole life story on one of our first dates lol if he tells he he got bullied or suffered trauma making him lose his confidence then it will allow me to take that into consideration when i assess what he does and says to me for instance.

As for the paying and door issue i LOL at you.
Paying...ok i can understand a girl might want to feel special and have her man take her out and pay for hers. But if you really like the guy it shoudln't matter, i always either offer to pay for my meal and if the say no i let them pay if this is the case i offer petrol money as its expensive and they HAVE just drove you all over the country side..and besides its polite and he will probably appreciate it. My boyfriend never accepts my offer for petrol money but thinks it is very sweet that i ask because he's always late getting me so he speeds and VOOM there goes the petrol LOL.

As for he car door i've had i guy that did it everytime because his door had some sort of problem so i needed it to be unlocked everytime...i hated it. the first few times it was cute, then it was too much for me and i ended up sneaking his keys and unlocking it myself. My current bf opens doors or car doors for me on the odd ocassion and thats sweet because i don't expect it.

I think the rule for dating in my eyes is never do what they expect; be adventerous and make it memorable. this can be done by assessing their personality and personal expectaions before dates 1 or 2.

[teresa]

Alright I found that long post above very interesting on what to do and what not to do on a first date. I have a question here, and maybe later I'll have another question as I tend to differ on some of the points made. First of all, just why should a girl NOT tell a guy that he is a nice guy?


yeah.. why should a girl NOT tell a guy he's nice?

[scott james]

Modern romance is not as good as in older time. I have seen movies of older time and I love these movies.

[AsianBeauties]

Great tips! Don't put too much pressure on yourself, it will only show when you meet up. If you approach this as meeting up with a special friend rather than potential love interest then you may be building yourself up for a fall if it doesn't work out. Take the simple approach...meeting for coffee is always good. You can always suggest bigger plans (dinner/drinks) if the date is going well. After all, you are just having a coffee with someone who is probably feeling the same things you are. Ask a lot of questions and be attentive - what do you have to lose? Dating is hard enough without the added pressure of having a brilliant first date. Hope this helps.