Friends with Benefits - Can it work?

[Davey Crockett]

Is there ever such a thing as No Strings Attached? Can a friendship between two people withstand casual sex? Or is that just an idealistic concept?

One night stands aren't as in as they used to be. Now lovers are coupling up for more long term sex. It's called "Friends with Benefits". They get all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. They start out as friends. They enjoy each other's company and then one night start sleeping together.

They don't date. It's not a traditional "significant other" type relationship. In many cases, the other friends don't even know about their sex on the side. It's set up as a mutual gratification, friends helping friends arrangement.

What most Friends with Benefits fail to do is set up the rules. It generally starts out as either happenstance or perhaps a small dialog exchange, I don"t have anyone, you don't either, so let's do it, no strings attached. What do you think? It all sounds well in good; at least initially when both are hornier than a unicorn. But can friends who sleep together remain friends once it ends? Or is the start of mutual sex the start of the end of their friendship?

Sex creates a bond, no matter how discussed up front it is. Someone always gets hurt in the end of a no strings attached, Friends with Benefits arrangement. Booty Calls always start out with mutual orgasms as the sole purpose. Yet when two people share that kind of closeness, and if it's a recurring buddy booty call, then they spend time together. Someone is doing something very intimate with and to the other. Who isn't always appreciative of a good orgasm?

One or both may know that they don't want a commitment and that's why the No Strings Attached agreement was conceived. But when the "ooh baby, ya that feels so good, I love what you do to me" occurs regularly, how can they NOT start to feel something for the other? One person will inevitably feel a stronger emotional bond than the other; it's not male/female bias. One will still only love the physical benefits and the other will enjoy the great sex so much that they get attached, even though they weren't looking for any relationship.

Or perhaps one person may have always been secretly attracted to the friend and knew the other didn't want a relationship, yet figured a Friends with Benefits arrangement was better than nothing. Hence they verbally agreed to the arrangement but emotionally they were already hooked.

Develop some rules before entering into any such arrangement. Consider these suggestions: No going out with each other unless it's in a group situation or you know the night will end in sex, therefore the outing is part of foreplay, no public affection, no gifts and any other boundaries you want to instill. Before it starts, decide how it will end. If starting out as friends, the goal is to end as friends. If new love interests were previously discussed among friends, shouldn't those types of conversations still be allowed?

Use your head to consider wisely what may be lost if you enter into a Friends with Benefits arrangement

[DIANACARL02]

I have been down that road.
It can work, I still have very dear friends that me and my hubby have
"been" with.
It just has to be understood the "no strings attached" rule applies even after the act.
I have a certin couple we were friends with that we swaped with, they are now divorced, and with other people.
The girl from the other couple became very sexually active with multiple partners and we became worried about her.
she is in a relationship now but i am worried she will screw it up and break the new guys heart.
I cant say nothin because of the No String Attached rule.

[T12am]

I never had that... I think. My current situation is complicated/different. I think it would be hard not to develop emotions for the other party.. unless it's a one time thing (one night stands), I can't understand how the no-strings attached can be put into effect long-term...

[~Teej~]

I don't think I could ever do it..I think that you need to be a very strong person to keep the feelings out..If you are in a relationship and having friends with benefits you run the risk of catching stds or pregancy..

Nope, it isn't for me.

[stoner]

I never heard of such a term back in my days as a single guy. It might sound absurd, but it feels like an agent advising a neophyte model to make appearances in a number of pornographic films first, before hitting it big with a modeling career, and then agreeing to it.

Though it may sound very adventurous in the here and now for both parties, I'm sure there will be consequences that will need to be contended with in the future. I've never been in one, but I had friends who were in it, and the end results were far from positive. My guy friends were cool with it, for they did it only for the sex. My girl friends on the other hand, had emotional issues to deal with, and trying to be there for them was such a challenge, for I too was wrongfully perceived as someone who looked at them as no more than just a "nice piece of a**."

Being a guy, *IF* I were a selfish arrogant *****, then this arrangement would work in my favor. But I'm not that type ... I sure hope not.

[Raven]

I once had a Friend with Benefits, no it didn't work at all for me, we did stay friends for a while, but it never should have happened.

[devilwoman]

it could never work for me. Personally, for me to even think of having sex with someone there has to be at some sort of emotional attachment and not just friendship.

I actually had this conversation on messenger with a guy today who was hoping to meet up with me and get into a friends with benefits relationship. Needless to say I emailed him afterwards and told him I'm not what he's looking for.

I'm sure for some people these kind of relationships work but just not my kind of thing really. My ideal relationship would be to have someone who I loved and knew loved me but who still wanted to live in his own place so we could still have space when we needed it, then again, who knows what the future holds, could change my mind on that at some point lol. Sorry, I tend to ramble on sometimes

[lilcupid]

I have done the "friends with benefits" in the past and it didn't work. One or the other developed feelings, someone got hurt and the friendships fell apart. For others I have heard stories of it working. The trouble is most men ( not all) can have sex without feelings being involved where as women tend to either need those feelings at the start for the other person or develop them

[aussiecoffee007]

"Or perhaps one person may have always been secretly attracted to the friend and knew the other didn't want a relationship, yet figured a Friends with Benefits arrangement was better than nothing. Hence they verbally agreed to the arrangement but emotionally they were already hooked."

that sounds like me and this guy kind of... depending on if he still wants what he did a few months ago.

do you guys think the same tendencies apply to something like kissing, as opposed to the more emotionally involved sex? or do you think its the same concept either way?

and do you think its possible to stay friends?

[eaglebaseball]

I'm gonna finally chime in on this, as I have some experience now, secondhand, but still, experience.

My gf and best friend used to date, they had sex (not full, just oral), but they eventually broke up. Well, they continued to see eachother and would make out and touch, but she didn't allow anything more. Anyways, come to find out, after meditating on it for a while, he was so hooked on getting anything he could from her, he was willing to do anything to get it, even if it meant lying to her face, and pretending to care what she said. He didn't care at all, but she thought he did. Now that she's going out with me, and she's finally figured out he was just using her, she doesn't even want to talk to him anymore.

Before I knew the details, when I just knew they did favors for eachother, I was really worried that she would develop feelings for him again, and leave me for him. So I think even if it's just kissing, that can easily lead to emotional attachment. I was never really sure what I thought about a friends with benefits relationship, but now, i'm fairly certain I will never have one, just because of all the drama it can lead to. Is getting laid a few times worth losing someone, as well as tarnishing your reputation? That's a question you have to ask yourself. I know once I found this out about her, I didn't think as highly of her as I used to. Now that I know her really really well, I'm totally turned around and think she's the greatest person on the face of the planet, but that relationship between her and my friend has made many things more complicated than they should be.

[aussiecoffee007]

thanks for sharing that eagle. its a good point about how even if neither develop feelings it can still complicate things or make the other person feel different than they should. or about tarnishing reputations... its a good question you asked.

[Myzyri]

Obviously, it can't work. Even people who claim to have done it successfully have some sort of qualifier as to why it eventually failed; therefore, it wasn't successful, but they like to delude themselves into thinking it was. I guess it makes them feel more empowered and less slu**y, immoral, or what-have-you.

[caspa]

Or perhaps one person may have always been secretly attracted to the friend and knew the other didn't want a relationship, yet figured a Friends with Benefits arrangement was better than nothing. Hence they verbally agreed to the arrangement but emotionally they were already hooked.

thats kinnda were i am but i havent slept with him.. dont no if my feelings are just coz im lonly or coz i acctuly like him! but he gives me attention and kisses and cuddels.. but weve known each other for years bout 8 years i fink, weve always been flirty, but ive never realy thought ne thing of it till sumtimne last year when he txt me and sed he missed me! he says he lovess me as friend and says he'l always make time for me and he does.... i dont think i cud do the whole friends with benifits thing tho.. i no id get hurt! i dont see how sumone can just sleep with sumone with out having ne feelings i dont quite get that..maybe first time but more then once feelings and emotions start to get involved !

[dannygirl]

OK... think of it like this.. I know your a guy and men and women DEFF have a different train of thought. BUT I seriously think you should read "Men are from mars women are from Venus". It will give you an outlook on alot of things in a females mind and in a males mind as well. Just a quick tip. When a woman gives herself to a man sexually she FEELS emotionally connected. She may go and deny it as much as she likes but it's true. It's in our NATURE! We thrive on our emotions. How things in general make us "feel". If you don't want someone to get attached to you then don't get involved in the first place. Seriously read the book. I did and it helped me to understand the male species overall... now i know what REALLY goes on in your head!!!:bananalove:

[Sprogspawn]

I have this 'arrangement' with a friend - its worked for four years, he was my first, and whenever we are both single we can call each other when we like for a bit of no strings companionship (not just sex). I DONT fancy him, and wouldnt want a relationship with him, but i LIKE him as a friend, and enough to do rude things with him. He seems VERY happy with this, and we dont step on each others toes.

For women, who do prefer sex with some kind of bond as everyone keeps saying, this is ideal - sex with someone you know and like (as opposed to a completely detached one night stand, which i could not do).

I think it can certainly work as long as neither has secret feelings for the other, then it just ends up in heartbreak. :thumb:

[gimmeabreak]

In my experience, one party or the other always seems to have some kind of feelings for the other. All ive seen is heartache and disaster when it comes to this kind of arrangement. I will never get involved with a friend in this way. Ever. :)

[jjj]

id have to agree with Sprogspawn...just as long as everything is completely clear between each other nd its with someone you trust enough for them not to use and abuse you then its ok...but everyone is different men and women and men and women dont have set feelings and emotions...a good friendship with the person will ultimately tell you whether sex with no strings is ok..i think neways..lols

[cynthia69]

For me I think it wouldn't work to have a friend with benefit, it will ruin your friendship. But come to it of think I've been that situation, and it work for me. lol

[searchingwithin]

I am new here, and would like to say hello.

As far as my opinion on this conversation, I don't think it ever works out for both parties. Someone is always going to get hurt in the end. Sooner or later one of them will move on and the other one will be hurt. They will always be wondering why the other person chose someone else when they were ready for a relationship. Not stopping to realize that you teach people how to value and treat you.

You are sharing the most intimate part of yourself during sex. How can there not be emotions involved? Not to mention the chemicals being released that promote bonding during the act.

It's a dead end road, and one best not traveled if you value yourself.

[~Teej~]

Thanks for that searching within..that was some good information

[lisa843]

I think for some it does work....for a while. It just depends on what you want out of a relationship and life in general...BUT like others said...sooner or later someone is gonna catch "feelings"....

I couldn't have a relationship like that. I have to have an emotional connection. For me it's like a mind, body and soul thing...not just physical....(JMO)

[Cyberpunk]

My girlfriend and I sort of feel like a "Friends with benefits" thing. It's definitely not a good deal if you want more out of the person.

[aussiecoffee007]

cyberpunk, i just had a question... how is it your girlfriend and a FWB thing? i mean... how does that work o.O did you start off as a friends with benefits thing or?

[Cyberpunk]

We broke up and continue to have sex.

[The Gr8 Eight]

yeah ive had it, it kinda makes you feel like wow i shouldnt do this.

[greg1982]

I've never done it, but I've been affected by it emotionally. Davey mentioned that sometimes FWB can come about when one person secretly likes the other. Maybe the other has know idea, or maybe they don't really care as afterall it is only the benefit they are after.

But what happens when that person then falls for somebody else? The friend with the feelings, rightly or wrongly, will feel ownership and will of course not want to let their FWB go. The friend without the feelings can then end up feeling torn, or as if theyve done something wrong. And the extra person (who, in my situation was me) can be left with trust issues, especially if he/she finds out about the couple's FWB agreement whilst he/she thinks something may happen.

I don't like it. Maybe that's purely for my own selfish reasons, but I don't like it.

[**Sapphire**]

I've never done it, but I've been affected by it emotionally. Davey mentioned that sometimes FWB can come about when one person secretly likes the other. Maybe the other has know idea, or maybe they don't really care as afterall it is only the benefit they are after.

But what happens when that person then falls for somebody else? The friend with the feelings, rightly or wrongly, will feel ownership and will of course not want to let their FWB go. The friend without the feelings can then end up feeling torn, or as if theyve done something wrong. And the extra person (who, in my situation was me) can be left with trust issues, especially if he/she finds out about the couple's FWB agreement whilst he/she thinks something may happen.

I don't like it. Maybe that's purely for my own selfish reasons, but I don't like it.

Very good thoughts Greg, something someone that is in a FWB may not think about, thanks for posting that hun.